Friday, January 21, 2011

Is he REALLY gone??

January 19, 2011

The worst day of my life.

It started out just like any other day, I woke, did the morning routine, made breakfast, made Landen's lunch, took him to school, came home and cleaned the house, and then at 11:00am I heard the garage door open and knew my Daddy was home.

My Daddy was very predictable, woke up at the same time, visited his best friends every Friday, grocery store every Thursday morning...I always knew where he was just by knowing the day and time. But this Wednesday when he should be on his way to see patients, he was home. But I knew work had been slow...just in my head I just shrugged it off...

Hoping to cheer him up. I showed him how amazing the house looked, he had been so down the past few days and he was distant and cold. Didn't look me in the eye, was just...I dunno...not himself. Not the Daddy that took any opportunity he could to hug me, or tell me how much he loved me, or the kids. But not today.

He just went and laid down on the couch. I started thinking how odd it was that he didn't go to his bedroom and change out of his dress clothes, or even take off his shoes. I asked if I could get him anything and just simply replied "no thank you". That was the last time I talked to him.

A few hours later, trying not to wake him, thinking he must not feel well, I left to go pick up Landen from school. Then the kids and I went to the park.

Upon my return about an hour later...started the beginning of the nightmare I am stuck in at this very moment.

I opened the garage door and noticed a note left on the counter. Something my Daddy did often. Grocery list, note to remind himself something, or normally if his car wasn't there a note saying where he was. Only the only thing I could see was "call the police".

The next half hour is foggy and honestly I don't know how I functioned after I read the note fully

Please DO NOT go outside

Call the police

I'm sorry

I managed to get the kids into their bedroom and ran outside. Yelling "oh no! oh no! OH NO! OH NO!!!!!!" What I saw, what I can't get out of my my Daddy (excuse my words) splattered across our backyard.

I fell to the ground

Again somehow I managed to make it back inside and console the kids enough to get them to stop crying (they didn't see anything, but they knew something was up) I got them drinks, got them stuff to play with, turned on cartoons and gave them hugs and kisses and told them that Mommy had to go outside and make a phone call and that if they would stay in their bedroom I'd give them lots of candy. Bless my obedient children, they listened. Never leaving their bedroom.

I called 911, and what felt like 3 days later there was an arsenal of police cars, fire trucks, forensic vans, it was a total zoo. Something straight out of a movie. It still seems so unreal.

Sitting in the house with dozens of detectives, and firemen and forensic investigators, and crime scene was so horrifying. Then having to answer questions...4 hours. The whole zoo took over 4 hours.

Everyone has been nothing but amazing. I am so blessed to have the family and friends I have. It is YOU that is keeping me going.

I started thinking last night when I couldn't sleep that I should write. It always helps, and there is SOOO much I need to get out. I can't hold it in, it will only eat me alive.

I've had a lot of people asking questions, and honestly, I just am not ready to have the same conversation over and over again. So I figured this could maybe answer some questions and maybe just maybe stop someone from ending their own life. I can promise you first hand that the image of seeing the most important man in my life in the manner he was in will be forever burned in my head.

Today was spent making calls, visiting a mortuary, going to the house for some clothes. I'm currently staying with my Mom and the kids are with Todd.

I plan to return home once the cleanup crew comes. Which apparently isn't high on the priority list. So I just have to wait...wait for the rental agency to contact the homeowner who then has to contact the homeowners insurance, who then has to file a claim, who will THEN send someone to come clean. It just horrifies me that it's just gonna sit that way for days and days. It seems so wrong.

This all just seems so wrong.

Thank you all so much for your amazing support!! I apologize for my distance, or unanswered phone calls/texts.

Tomorrow is another day...


  1. I cried reading this. I wish I had the correct words to say and I know nothing I say will ever take away your loss what you saw or what youve experienced that has changed your life forever. I wish I could take away ever ounce of pain you are feeling and bring your dad back. I know that feeling of losing your dad before you "Are supposed to." I cant imagine having to try to recover from what you have been thru. Take it a day at a time and at a pase thats good for YOU. Cry when you need to,scream when you have to,Laugh when you remember the good days. Let the memory of grandpa always live on in those kiddos.
    I am here whitney when ready and am in constant prayer for you and your family.

  2. whit, this is CRAZY. i'm so so so sorry. i can't imagine how you feel. i can't imagine it. i'm so sorry.

  3. whitney - i just read this and cried so much for you and your family. your dad was an absolutely lovely man and im so sorry you have to go through this. Im SO SORRY this happened to you all

  4. Whitney, I'm so sorry. So so so so sorry. Just wanted you to know I'm here, and think of you often since hearing this horrific news. The kids and I are out of town, but I spoke to Tim today and he mentioned seeing you. I'll be back on Thursday, but if you need anything at all please don't hesitate to contact Tim or I.

  5. I have recently found your blog on the Putting a Face on Suicide group on FB. I am very sorry for your loss and I know what you are going through. We have two completely different stories but I have lost my father to suicide and I had found him as well. You are a great inspiration to others! Thank you for sharing your story.