I keep finding myself feeling guilty for the good times since it happened. When something makes me laugh, or smile or just feel happy. How could I possibly be happy without my Daddy. I still cannot imagine life without him. This still all feels so...foggy. Like I'm just going through the motions. Thank goodness for my children. Otherwise I don't think I'd get out of bed and clean and make call after call, and errand after errand and make meals and pack lunches and laundry...
I feel like I perform best under pressure. I always loved that about performing. Whether it was dancing, singing, acting, marching band...anything really. The pressure and rush of terror right before I got to perform. Something I LOOOOVE to do. I really REALLY miss performing. So I have made a promise to myself to get back into dance. At least 1 class a week. After volunteering at Dobson last year with Mrs. Wolf, I got all the gear, I have all the necessary stuff. I just need to get my butt to a studio. I hate to think my children will never get to see their Mom do one of her greatest passions. Thankfully I have the few photos, and about a MILLION stories from my Vegas Showgirl days to pass down to them someday. But I really wanna make it a point to start dancing and performing again. However that has to happen. I'm GOING to do it! :)
I found myself with a few moments of downtime today, and instead of just sitting down and taking a second for myself, I was up and cleaning a shelf that hasn't been cleaned in what I can only imagine has been years. Then that turned into me cleaning the kitchen. Then the floors.
I finally decided I had done enough...haha!...and came outside ready to write. So here we are.
It's been 12 days, 12 horribly emotional days. So many ups and downs. I was so happy that the Memorial on Saturday went so amazingly well. SOOO many people showed up. I was so touched. Hearing everyone speak so highly of my Daddy, laughing at memories of times they had spent together, it was so wonderful. The kindness of the people that my Daddy has met over his 60 years on this Earth has proven to me yet again that there really is GOOD in the world. It's in all of us. We just need to spend more time extending kindness to others, strangers, family members, friends, co-workers. You could have asked every single person at the Memorial and they would all say that my Daddy was ALWAYS kind and funny and extended that to EVERYONE he EVER met. It was so inspiring to grow up around, and still sticks so strongly with me. Something my children will hopefully get from me as well.
My Daddy's high school friend drove all the way from California to be at the Memorial (it was SO great to meet him!!. My Daddy's first wife was there (and it was SO neat to meet her!) Two of my clients who I grown a great friendship with brought two HUGE baskets FULL of food and toiletries and just about anything someone might need. Then on top of that, gas cards, grocery store cards. THEN on top of that Chrissy gave me the most beautiful necklace with a photo of my Daddy that I took. It hasn't left my neck since I got it :)
The kindness that was extended to me and my siblings...there are just not enough words to express how much it means to us. THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I find myself still thinking when I wake up for just once second, that this has all been a dream. But then the image of what I saw when I found him reminds me quickly that I am in fact living in reality. Then on my way to the post office today I found myself dialing my Daddy's number to ask him a question. I know it's all these little things, and triggers that are going to haunt me for quite some time. It's not easy, and I am surely suffering, but I just still feel like I can handle anything. So onward and upward I go!
So for right this moment, I'm okay. I'm watching my beautiful children play in the backyard with huge smiles and tons of giggles, I'm breathing, I'm making it through each day. I don't think I can ask for much more...
Tomorrow is another day :)