Saturday, February 12, 2011

Be the change you wish to see in the world...

**DISCLAIMER** Please do not read if you are in ANY way squeamish. This blog and my writings are real and extremely graphic.

Ever heard the quote "God doesn't give anyone more than they can handle" umm...I beg to differ thanks!

It's been 24 days. 24 days of lots of downs and very little ups. 2 trips to the Emergency Room for severe dehydration and PTSD. Then add some unbearable anxiety and stress, fear of EVERYTHING, every noise, every knock on the door, every phone call, AND...if all of that isn't fun enough, constant nausea and violent vomiting. OH! and the 4 teeth I had extracted on Tuesday. Top it all of with some ridiculous drama last week, trying to get DES coverage, trying to finalize everything for Disability benefits (2 years later!!), the emotional damage, and about a million other stupid bumps in the road that seem to seep into each day....and you have the most difficult 24 days I think I could ever even fathom.

I keep wondering when I'll be able to have just one normal day. One day where I can eat, where I slept more than 4 hours, where I don't get sick, when I don't jump at stupid things, when I don't see the image of my Daddy laying in our backyard without a head.

I had a horrible nightmare Thursday night. I was standing in the backyard over my Daddy and was frozen. I couldn't speak, I couldn't move. All I could do was stare at the madness that the shotgun had left behind. All the blood, and the one thing that I cannot stop seeing and thinking about is the large piece of his brain sitting next to him. Then (in the dream) his eyes opened and looked at me. I woke up drenched in sweat trying to catch my breath. I spent the next 4 hours shaking, vomiting and trying not to lose it.

Just as bad as things are, I am soon reminded of the things I DO have, the people that support me, the selfless acts, and finally, my Daddy. I know he would want me to be happy, and all I want to do is make him proud.

I promise to use every single day as a chance to change my world for the better...and maybe spread that as far as it will go...

My favorite quote of ALL time:
"Be the change you wish to see in the world" -Gandhi

1 comment:

  1. Whitney - I am so sorry to hear about your dad. There are no words - truly - that will fill the ache in your heart right now. Just want you to know that though my parents did not die as your dad did so I can't completely relate, they did did a few years ago. So, in a way, I understand. Feel free to email me.
    Here's something I wrote about my mom a few years after she died. Maybe down the road, it will encourage you.