Yes, I am annoyingly optimistic, and you know what, I LOVE that about myself. I can turn any situation into something positive. I couldn't be anymore sure about that than I am now!!
I could sit and cry, and never get out of my pajamas, I could refrain from all outside social activities, I could just be alone and grieve...if I wanted to. But I don't. I want to be surrounded by those that I love, and I want each day to be another opportunity to do GOOD. To spread my positivity, to make my Daddy proud, to make someone smile. There is just too much in my life worth living for.
I have two of the most beautiful children. Inside and out. They amaze me daily. I cherish every second I am with them. Yesterday Todd, the kids, my Mom and I went to the Wildlife World Zoo. It was such a wonderful day. Almost perfect actually. The weather was beautiful, the animals were awesome, and the kids had a BLAST! I found myself at the end of the day feeling guilty. Guilty for spending an amazing day with my family and loving every second. Also wishing nothing more than being able to come home and tell my Daddy about it. That's when I kind of lost it.
I found myself back remembering that he is in fact gone, that I can't call him, talk to him or hug him. That is the hardest part. So I sat in the backyard where he died and cried and talked to him. I told him about our day, I told him how much I miss him, and just talked to him. Crazy? Maybe...but it helped. After the tears stopped, I felt relieved. I went inside and enjoyed a wonderful evening with my loved ones.
I miss him so much it literally hurts, and I still have nightmares, flashbacks, and find myself crying at EVERYTHING...but...I am smiling, and laughing, and ENJOYING life.
I love you Daddy, and there is not a second that goes by that I don't wish I could hug you one last time.