Wednesday, March 23, 2011

My half FULL glass

It's been 3 months. 3 of the most difficult months of my entire life. Losing my Daddy so tragically has put my entire life into a non-stop roller coaster of emotions. Whether learning the hard way who I can really count on, or being a part of the most amazing selfless act of kindness...good or bad, each day, each problem has only made me stronger. I refuse to stop going, I refuse to stop trying, and most importantly, I refuse to be miserable. I could sit in bed all day, I could remove myself from loved ones, I could take my anger out on others...but that doesn't sound like any fun at all. I just want to be happy! I want to continue to build a stronger relationship with Todd, I want to watch our kids grow up, happy, I just want to be happy. Plain and simple.

I am happy to announce that I am officially a homeowner! The best possible news I could think to share!! My Daddy would be so proud. I purchased a HUD property in Maricopa that was a SMOKING deal. A beautiful 2 story, 3 bedroom, 2.5 bath with a loft. Almost 1900sf! (which is about 900sf more than I thought I'd be able to get) in a stunning neighborhood walking distance from school and several different parks. I feel so very blessed and thankful that the money my Daddy left me has allowed me to provide a home for our family. I can feel him smiling about it.

There is a lot that comes along with owning a home, and the moving and packing and etc etc. It's been exhausting, but I wouldn't take any of it back. Nothing good is easy. :)

I still cry, I still have rough days, nights, afternoons, mornings, weeks...I am still hurting, and missing him terribly! It isn't easier as time goes by, I just have become stronger. Or at least that is what I'm telling myself!

I can't say enough about how incredible Todd has been. By my side through thick and thin. He's put up with me for the last few weeks, through the ups and insane downs. He does everything he can to make life as easy on me as possible. Making meals, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, you name it, he's done it. Maybe it took FOREVER for us to get to the place we are now, but it was worth every bump in the road.

All in all things are good. I don't think I'll ever get over seeing what I saw, but I've learned to live with it and will continue to turn this negative into a positive! The glass is half full!!

Saturday, March 12, 2011


Today's trigger was "Wonderful Tonight" by Eric Clapton. The song my Daddy and I danced to for our Father/Daughter dance.

I listened and cried. I can remember that moment so well. He was teary and telling me how happy he was. A great memory I hope to never forget.

Enjoying a nice weekend away, but missing my family. This week is gonna be NUTSO! Busy, busy, busy :-)
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Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Everything DOES happen for a reason...

I have ALWAYS lived my life thinking this. Not in a religious way, not thinking a higher power was controlling it, just that everything in life...good or bad...happens for a reason. Sometimes we don't understand it, sometimes it seems like a cruel joke...yet somehow, someway I keep coming back to the realization that everything really DOES happen for a reason.

Now I'm not justifying my Daddy's suicide...nor could I if I even tried. But I understand his decision I guess. I understand he was in unbearable pain, was too proud to ask for help, and couldn't bare thinking he had to wait 5 more years to get Medicare to get the knee replacement he so desperately needed.

I was always able to know what was on his mind. Even suggesting dinners that he was just thinking in his head sounded amazing. Getting something at the grocery store that he had been craving but never said anything. So I knew how badly he was really hurting. He didn't have to say a word.

That great pride that he always had kept even his best friends and co-workers (for the last 30 years) wondering why he did this. He was so good at sucking it up and pretending like everything was no big deal. When I knew that he was suffering greatly. He just always told me, "It'll work out, everything always seems to do that..."

Now, after his death, I couldn't be more thankful for the past 3 years here with my Daddy. If my marriage hadn't of been struggling, I would have never had the courage to leave and come live here with the kids. During those 3 years, I got to spend EVERY day with my Daddy. Watch him as a Father figure and Papa (that's what my kids call him) and a Daddy all in one. He amazed me. Changed diapers, helped potty train Landen, would offer to watch them so I could go run errands. He did it all. He told everyone who would listen about us. He LOVED having us around. Getting upset if I even brought up moving elsewhere. Then when I was unable to work, he financially took care of all of us. He never accepted money I tried to give him. Always told me to go spend it on myself, that it would make him happier. I always usually used it on the kids...but still. Just another example of why I have and always will cherish my Daddy. He was one of a kind!

I look back at my decision to move in with my Daddy and realize that I could have missed out on the past 3 years.

With that being said, the last 3 years have been very up and down with my ex-husband. Starting out okay, ending up getting back together, then eventually I filed for divorce out of anger. We took our anger out on each other, did stupid things, hurt each other greatly, and did things that we both regret. Then, about a month before my Daddy passed, I suddenly had this weird overwhelming eye opening day. I found that once I let go of all the small stupid shit, and really started to think about everything, I wasn't mad anymore. I called him and we spoke for about 3 hours. We both let it all out there. Talked about our issues, really just opening up to each other in a way we never had before. I found myself after that phone call questioning everything.

After that we decided to just try to hang out, and try to develop a relationship again. In the beginning I guess it wasn't romantic, it was us as adults trying to work towards a good co-parenting relationship. Soon I found myself overwhelmed with how much I missed it. Being around him, having us all together. All of it. I can't explain it really. It just feels "RIGHT". I guess...that sounds corny. But my Daddy soon saw the change, before I even really told him how I felt, he just knew. He told me he had always hoped things would eventually work out between us. My Daddy LOVED him. They were so cute. They would go out and do things together, just the two of them. They were always really close. Apparently they spoke on the phone a bit  during the 3 years we were apart.

So that brings us to the present. I am back with my soul mate. I couldn't be more sure of that fact. It something I can feel so deep in my heart/head/soul. The past few months with him have been amazing. There are still conflicts and little things, but now we have such open and honest communication that we are able to nip it in the butt before it becomes and issue. It's really refreshing actually. No we didn't go get married again, and aren't planning that in the near future. With just both know how deep our love for each other is and that we really are meant to be together.

The past 3 years changed me, they changed him, and somehow through all the crap we've been through we came out on top. I couldn't be happier about it. I have my family back!!! Those 3 years gave both of us time to get ourselves in order, and the time apart has given me such a great appreciation for the time we spend together now.

Everything happens for a reason! It really does!

Monday, March 7, 2011

Learning to live again

I feel like each day that goes by I am slowly getting back to "real" life. The smiles are taking over the tears, the joy is taking over the sadness. I was lucky enough to spend some time with my Auntie Dorothy, Uncle Cole and Cousins Brittany, Carson and Alaina. Not only do they have a spectacularly beautiful home, they are just so much fun to be around. The kids (My son is 6 weeks younger than my cousin Carson) have sooo much fun together. We had a great time together and I even got a chance to play with my camera again and take some photos of my STUNNING Cousin Britt. She signed with a modeling agency and has a shoot coming up, so she showed us one of her "looks" for the shoot and explained she wanted to do kind of a pin up thing. So we went in her backyard and behind her house and in front and got a couple neat photos. At 16 years old and 5 foot 11. Something tells me she'll have a long and successful modeling career!

Spending time with family, watching my kids play, hearing them laugh, seeing the smile, all things that are helping me to learn to live again. Day by day, things WILL get better. 

Thursday, March 3, 2011

The two little angels keeping me going

That is what I focus on, and will continue to focus on.

What I know I have, is 2 amazing children who amaze and inspire me daily. I cannot say that enough. They're not perfect, they have their moments, as all children do...but they are everything I could have ever hoped or wished for.

Meet my son Landen. A 5 year old who has a heart of pure gold. He is kind, and makes conversation with ANYONE. He is a really great big brother. He loves puzzles, coloring, riding his bike, playing with friends, and is a total Mama's boy.

Then there's my 3 year old Princess Nora Rose. A total Daddy's girl! She is so sweet, and bright, and funny! She loves Tinkerbell, Disney Princesses, Barbies and dressing up. She is such a girly girl. Loves stealing Mommy's shoes, and always wants lip gloss. But when it comes to putting up with her 3 big brothers, she can hold her own! She loves to wrestle and run, and do what her big brothers do. 

I've known from a very small age that I wanted to be a Mother. I have always ADORED children. Working in Preschool for so long, I still LOVE kids. They are so innocent and full of joy. I have two amazing kids who I get to love and adore for the rest of my life. I could not be anymore blessed. That I am sure!

They are the reason I am still making it through each day, and I will do everything in my power to make their lives as amazing and close to perfect as I can. They deserve nothing but the best!! 

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

I need a vacation!

I found myself awake all night last night. Even after taking a sleeping pill. :( I have a lot going on in my head right now, a lot of life changing decisions to be made and well, to put it simply, I can only handle so much right now.

To keep this brutal and open and honest, I started taking Cymbalta 14 days ago. An anti-depressant that my PCP thought would help me greatly. So 14 days after starting do I feel??? Better. Much better than 14 days ago. I'm able to get through each day, I'm smiling and laughing again, I'm hopeful. Is it the medication? Right now, I could care less. If it is, great, thanks Doc! If not, then what's the down side?

I was very against taking anti-depressants because I've heard such horror stories. It changing someone's personality completely, and stories of people who turned suicidal. Which after what's happened, is the LAST thing on my mind. So I've asked my Mom, Todd and a few others to inform me IMMEDIATELY if they see any negative effects. So far so good! haha

Back to last night, I was informed yesterday of a decision my Daddy made regarding his life insurance that didn't shock me (as he made his wishes well known) but just further complicated life for me. I soon found myself feeling like no matter the choice I make, there is going to be backlash. Which just sucks. My Daddy was ultimately the one who decided how he wanted things...but it just puts a GIANT load of pressure on me. Which right now, is the LAST thing I want.

My only intention is to do my Daddy proud and provide a life for my family, because I know that is what he wanted.

I cannot believe it is March already. Where have the last 2 months gone? It seems like January 19th was just yesterday...

I did my first official shoot back after my Daddy's passing. It was a beautiful 9 day old baby boy named Bentley. He was not really in the mood for photos, but I did manage to capture a few beautiful moments:

I found myself really happy after the shoot. I know it means a lot to my Daddy that I'm back taking photos again. He LOVED to see each and every photo I took. Always giving me tips and telling me how proud he was. I am so thankful for everyone who has supported my glorified hobby. :)

Next weekend I get to have a nice little mini vacation!! Looking forward to a nice weekend away, and as much as I adore my children, a few days away would do me some good. Not gonna lie. Haha.