Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Everything DOES happen for a reason...

I have ALWAYS lived my life thinking this. Not in a religious way, not thinking a higher power was controlling it, just that everything in life...good or bad...happens for a reason. Sometimes we don't understand it, sometimes it seems like a cruel joke...yet somehow, someway I keep coming back to the realization that everything really DOES happen for a reason.

Now I'm not justifying my Daddy's suicide...nor could I if I even tried. But I understand his decision I guess. I understand he was in unbearable pain, was too proud to ask for help, and couldn't bare thinking he had to wait 5 more years to get Medicare to get the knee replacement he so desperately needed.

I was always able to know what was on his mind. Even suggesting dinners that he was just thinking in his head sounded amazing. Getting something at the grocery store that he had been craving but never said anything. So I knew how badly he was really hurting. He didn't have to say a word.

That great pride that he always had kept even his best friends and co-workers (for the last 30 years) wondering why he did this. He was so good at sucking it up and pretending like everything was no big deal. When I knew that he was suffering greatly. He just always told me, "It'll work out, everything always seems to do that..."

Now, after his death, I couldn't be more thankful for the past 3 years here with my Daddy. If my marriage hadn't of been struggling, I would have never had the courage to leave and come live here with the kids. During those 3 years, I got to spend EVERY day with my Daddy. Watch him as a Father figure and Papa (that's what my kids call him) and a Daddy all in one. He amazed me. Changed diapers, helped potty train Landen, would offer to watch them so I could go run errands. He did it all. He told everyone who would listen about us. He LOVED having us around. Getting upset if I even brought up moving elsewhere. Then when I was unable to work, he financially took care of all of us. He never accepted money I tried to give him. Always told me to go spend it on myself, that it would make him happier. I always usually used it on the kids...but still. Just another example of why I have and always will cherish my Daddy. He was one of a kind!

I look back at my decision to move in with my Daddy and realize that I could have missed out on the past 3 years.

With that being said, the last 3 years have been very up and down with my ex-husband. Starting out okay, ending up getting back together, then eventually I filed for divorce out of anger. We took our anger out on each other, did stupid things, hurt each other greatly, and did things that we both regret. Then, about a month before my Daddy passed, I suddenly had this weird overwhelming eye opening day. I found that once I let go of all the small stupid shit, and really started to think about everything, I wasn't mad anymore. I called him and we spoke for about 3 hours. We both let it all out there. Talked about our issues, really just opening up to each other in a way we never had before. I found myself after that phone call questioning everything.

After that we decided to just try to hang out, and try to develop a relationship again. In the beginning I guess it wasn't romantic, it was us as adults trying to work towards a good co-parenting relationship. Soon I found myself overwhelmed with how much I missed it. Being around him, having us all together. All of it. I can't explain it really. It just feels "RIGHT". I guess...that sounds corny. But my Daddy soon saw the change, before I even really told him how I felt, he just knew. He told me he had always hoped things would eventually work out between us. My Daddy LOVED him. They were so cute. They would go out and do things together, just the two of them. They were always really close. Apparently they spoke on the phone a bit  during the 3 years we were apart.

So that brings us to the present. I am back with my soul mate. I couldn't be more sure of that fact. It something I can feel so deep in my heart/head/soul. The past few months with him have been amazing. There are still conflicts and little things, but now we have such open and honest communication that we are able to nip it in the butt before it becomes and issue. It's really refreshing actually. No we didn't go get married again, and aren't planning that in the near future. With just both know how deep our love for each other is and that we really are meant to be together.

The past 3 years changed me, they changed him, and somehow through all the crap we've been through we came out on top. I couldn't be happier about it. I have my family back!!! Those 3 years gave both of us time to get ourselves in order, and the time apart has given me such a great appreciation for the time we spend together now.

Everything happens for a reason! It really does!

1 comment:

  1. Wow! What an amazing story! So happy for you ALL <3