Friday, April 29, 2011

Those little things that creep in

Here is part of an excerpt from an e-mail I sent my Mom today:

My anxiety is OUT OF CONTROL today. I'm not sure what the deal is. I think part of it is knowing that once I leave here, that this is all real. Dad's dead. He's hasn't been on vacation the last 3 months, and I'm never going to see him walk through the halls of this house we shared ever again. Plus a lot of the joy of all the house stuff is muted from this which makes me so upset. I am SOOOO excited with how amazing the house is going to look, and everything. But more than happy I'm just so sad. Life has a funny way of timing when your gonna "deal" with a loss. It's just all hitting me really hard today. Plus these nightmares are really messing with me. I keep praying that once we move that they'll stop, the flashbacks will stop and that I'll be able to make it through one freaking day without crying. 

I was fine at the new house painting for 6 hours straight. But being here, packing up his stuff, knowing I won't be back. That he'll never walk through our house again. Or hug me or the kids. It's just really setting in. Which is difficult.

But I am trying my hardest to stay strong and fight through. I got a lot done with the help of my love Todd. We put out a TON of black trash bags full of trash for the City of Chandler to pick up tomorrow. (A HUGE weight lifted off our shoulders) then tomorrow AM we're heading to the new house so we can check on the floors in person, and start painting Nora's room and finish our Master bedroom.

I go back and forth. Upset about the finalization this move makes my Daddy's suicide, and the excitement of moving into a new BREATHTAKING home that we have NO MORTGAGE payment on. Gotta focus on the good, cause there is a TON of it right now. So excited for Saturday. Putting together furniture and decorating. Then taking photos. OMG! I'm bursting at the seams! 

Sunday, April 24, 2011


Made it through a tough milestone today. First Holiday without my Daddy. It was bittersweet really. I had an AMAZING day with Todd's family, who I adore!! His Sister Tiffany, her Husband Eric and their 3 beautiful children and Eric's parent's whom we've always referred to as Ma and Pa. I couldn't imagine a better group of people to spend this Easter with. I enjoyed every second of the day. We played games, we laughed, we just really had a nice time. It just kept making me think "God I wish he was here" or "I can't wait to go home to tell Daddy about..." I catch myself with that thought a lot.

Regardless I wouldn't change a thing. Actually, I would of applied sunblock! I have a wicked sun burn! Oh boy am I gonna hurt tomorrow! Nora is a lil red too :( But the wind (worst day EVER to wear a dress! btw) was such a nice balance to the warm day. All in all, Easter was a hit! The kids had a blast and are sleeping their sugar highs away.

I find myself with a lot of anxiety over thinking about everything that has to be done before Saturday. Lots of packing, painting, cleaning and organizing. But I know that it will all turn out beautifully! Or at least that is what I am sticking too! :)

I told my Daddy's best friend Robert the other day "I can handle anything" to which he replied "No you can't" In that split second I realized he's right. I can't put myself through just anything and expect my body or mind or heart to handle the pain. But I can...and rephrased my comment to "I can get through anything"

Sexual abuse at a young age, losing my Grandma, my Crohn's battle, the ups and downs of my marriage, the sudden loss of my Daddy, thrush, family drama....

I don't care what it is...I will get through it. Why? Because I can get through anything. That is the one thing I am most certain of. My strength. It's been tested, and tested, and tested...and here I am about to move into my first home, with my family, and I get to spend the rest of my life watching my family grow. I think I've got it pretty good.

I miss him. I will ALWAYS miss him. He was my rock. He was my EVERYTHING. But he is gone and I must move on.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Easter!

Friday, April 22, 2011

A 12 year old's poem

My Grandma Johnson was a BIG part of my life until she passed. We spend every holiday and just about every weekend with her. She was one of a kind and I still think about her daily.

While getting stuff organized and packed, I found a poem I wrote after my Grandma died that really touched me, because I feel I can use it with my current situation now.

Saying Goodbye Doesn't Have to Be Sad

We say goodbye everyday.
It's so hard, so sad that she went away.
We weep and weep our tears away,
because no long will she stay.
But in our heart she will always be,
A Mother, a Wife, a friend to me.
We think of death and get so sad,
but why not sit and think of glad.
She's somewhere now happy and pain free.
Where she can paint and play bridge and just be.
We have this person so great and true,
so lets think of happy instead of blue.
How she made us laugh and smile each day.
She may be gone, but not in EVERY way.
She's in our hearts and souls to stay,
forever among us everyday.
So smile and remember the things you two saw,
because always and forever will I have my Grandma

Sunday, April 17, 2011

another day

Silence. It's something that terrifies me. When things are too quite, and I can't hear my kids playing, or Todd snoring, or all of the little joys that come along with being a part of our family.

Thankfully I don't have many silent moments. But when I do, my mind goes a million miles a minute. I start to think about everything that has happened since January 19th and before I know it, I'm crying and in a total funk.

Sitting up at night while everyone is sleeping is so difficult. I feel so alone and things are just too quiet. If I wake up at night I usually don't fall back asleep. Whether it be midnight, 2am, doesn't seem to matter.

Lots of nights with 3 hours, 2 hours, 4 hours, and every so often, 6 hours!! After months, it's starting to REALLY get to me. I just wanna sleep! You know that 8-10 hours a night that my body NEEDS! Hello I've got a family to take care of, a house to keep up! I need more sleep! I don't have an infant anymore, shouldn't the horror of the impending doom of a full day of things to do while I haven't slept more than an hour or two. Nora is almost 4, I think I deserve some sleep now. :)

I'm still having frequent nightmares. They are so vivid and realistic. I always wake up covered in sweat, and shaking. I really wish those would go away too.

I sure am being demanding...haha

The past few days, well this whole week really...okay maybe the last month...alright seriously the last 88 days have rocked my world. I feel so distant from everything and unable to watch TV for very long. Always in the back of my mind is what I found the day my Daddy committed suicide. It's like this flashback that never leaves.

Thank God for Todd! Seriously he has been such a saving grace in my life. He puts up with so much. He takes care of almost everything. He is just...well AMAZING. My love and respect for him grows each day as I witness all that he does for us. We are REALLY lucky. :)

My Mom has also been such a HUGE strength. Always assuring me that I'm doing great, and handling things well. Always willing to do whatever she can to make my life easier, even at the cost of her own sanity.

I just feel so very blessed for those that are close to me. For their support. It means so much to me.

Thursday, April 14, 2011


I fall asleep early and wake up at like midnight in a deep sweat after having yet another horrible nightmare. I keep seeing what I saw when I found him, I keep seeing the look on Landen's face when he saw how upset I was, I keep picturing him in the kiddie pool crying as he desperately took his own life.

Now here I am wide awake with thoughts of blood, brains and more blood are flooded in my head. I took an ambien already, but I'm wide awake. What do I do??? I'm starting to feel like this is something I am going to have to deal with forever and that just terrifies me. The image I have so stuck in my head, it's like I could draw a perfect photo of what I found. Where the gun was, how much blood was filling the kiddie pool, the amount of brain sitting next to his body, the blood ALL over the walls. His shirt, his pants, everything. It's all so fresh and real and like it's still sitting out there.

More of the reason I want out of this house.

Here's to hoping I can fall back asleep before I start yet another busy day.

Monday, April 11, 2011

82 Days

It's been 82 days. I cannot even believe that. It seems like just yesterday. I can still close my eyes and see his face perfectly, remember his smell, feel his love.

I keep waiting for this to all get easier, and for it to hurt less. But as time goes by it just becomes more real, more permanent. l am doing my very best to stay positive, to keep myself busy, to just live. But there is always this looming feeling of something missing. My world has been rocked so deeply in the last 82 days that I swear it's like I'm living a whole different life. A life without my Daddy. A life I never imagined.

I had a wonderful weekend with my family. We had both of the older boys for the weekend which was AWESOME.

We now have 3 rescue animals. Hope, Rosen, and now Arthur. A 3 year old Chihuahua that couldn't be any cuter.

I have thankfully been keeping very busy with my glorified hobby of Forever Photography. I still get super bummed when I return home from a shoot because my Daddy always was waiting for me and ready to view all the photos I took. Here are a few of my favorites from recent shoots:

A Commercial Shoot for Lululand Designs

Lastly, these are a few shots for My Fantasy Florals from a wedding my Mom did. She is a UBER talented!!

Photography continues to bring such immense joy into my life. It's something I hope to get better and better at. My Daddy was my inspiration and continues to be. 

We are pretty sure that our close date will be April 22nd. There is still a possibility that it may be sooner, but if nothing else, we get to move into our new house soon!! I could not be anymore ready to get the heck outta here! 

Here's to more good days, good memories and hopefully good photos! 

Wednesday, April 6, 2011


Life is not always easy. I've heard that many times. I'm starting to think it's more like "life is always not easy".

I am currently battling an ovarian cyst that is keeping me awake at night and miserable all day. Normally I can get past the pain and go on with life, but it's not that simple now. I have so much stored in me emotionally that anytime I am physically struggling, I begin to struggle emotionally. I'm on edge, on the verge of tears almost always, and trying my hardest to hold it all together.

I am also extremely frustrated at the fact that I have no energy to do all the things that need to be done. It all just seems so overwhelming.

With the emotional struggles I am faced with lots of flashbacks. I keep reliving the afternoon/evening it happened. What I saw is so clearly visible in my memory. I just can't get past thinking about him sitting in the kiddie pool, barrel in his mouth, toe on the trigger. Then seeing the aftermath of it. Horror movies seem almost comical compared to what I witnessed.

This past weekend we had a garage sale. Which didn't bug me until I walked through the house afterward and saw my Daddy's closet empty, and his stuff...gone. I am so ready to be out of this house. The daily reminders of January 19th haunt me. I HATE being here. I HATE that he isn't here. I HATE that I am gonna have to deal with this pain for the rest of my life.

I want things to get easier, I want life to go back to normal...but no matter how hard I will never be the same. He's gone, and a part of me is gone with him.