Sunday, April 17, 2011

another day

Silence. It's something that terrifies me. When things are too quite, and I can't hear my kids playing, or Todd snoring, or all of the little joys that come along with being a part of our family.

Thankfully I don't have many silent moments. But when I do, my mind goes a million miles a minute. I start to think about everything that has happened since January 19th and before I know it, I'm crying and in a total funk.

Sitting up at night while everyone is sleeping is so difficult. I feel so alone and things are just too quiet. If I wake up at night I usually don't fall back asleep. Whether it be midnight, 2am, doesn't seem to matter.

Lots of nights with 3 hours, 2 hours, 4 hours, and every so often, 6 hours!! After months, it's starting to REALLY get to me. I just wanna sleep! You know that 8-10 hours a night that my body NEEDS! Hello I've got a family to take care of, a house to keep up! I need more sleep! I don't have an infant anymore, shouldn't the horror of the impending doom of a full day of things to do while I haven't slept more than an hour or two. Nora is almost 4, I think I deserve some sleep now. :)

I'm still having frequent nightmares. They are so vivid and realistic. I always wake up covered in sweat, and shaking. I really wish those would go away too.

I sure am being demanding...haha

The past few days, well this whole week really...okay maybe the last month...alright seriously the last 88 days have rocked my world. I feel so distant from everything and unable to watch TV for very long. Always in the back of my mind is what I found the day my Daddy committed suicide. It's like this flashback that never leaves.

Thank God for Todd! Seriously he has been such a saving grace in my life. He puts up with so much. He takes care of almost everything. He is just...well AMAZING. My love and respect for him grows each day as I witness all that he does for us. We are REALLY lucky. :)

My Mom has also been such a HUGE strength. Always assuring me that I'm doing great, and handling things well. Always willing to do whatever she can to make my life easier, even at the cost of her own sanity.

I just feel so very blessed for those that are close to me. For their support. It means so much to me.

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