Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Hurting

Life is not always easy. I've heard that many times. I'm starting to think it's more like "life is always not easy".

I am currently battling an ovarian cyst that is keeping me awake at night and miserable all day. Normally I can get past the pain and go on with life, but it's not that simple now. I have so much stored in me emotionally that anytime I am physically struggling, I begin to struggle emotionally. I'm on edge, on the verge of tears almost always, and trying my hardest to hold it all together.

I am also extremely frustrated at the fact that I have no energy to do all the things that need to be done. It all just seems so overwhelming.

With the emotional struggles I am faced with lots of flashbacks. I keep reliving the afternoon/evening it happened. What I saw is so clearly visible in my memory. I just can't get past thinking about him sitting in the kiddie pool, barrel in his mouth, toe on the trigger. Then seeing the aftermath of it. Horror movies seem almost comical compared to what I witnessed.

This past weekend we had a garage sale. Which didn't bug me until I walked through the house afterward and saw my Daddy's closet empty, and his stuff...gone. I am so ready to be out of this house. The daily reminders of January 19th haunt me. I HATE being here. I HATE that he isn't here. I HATE that I am gonna have to deal with this pain for the rest of my life.

I want things to get easier, I want life to go back to normal...but no matter how hard I try...life will never be the same. He's gone, and a part of me is gone with him.

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