Thursday, April 14, 2011


I fall asleep early and wake up at like midnight in a deep sweat after having yet another horrible nightmare. I keep seeing what I saw when I found him, I keep seeing the look on Landen's face when he saw how upset I was, I keep picturing him in the kiddie pool crying as he desperately took his own life.

Now here I am wide awake with thoughts of blood, brains and more blood are flooded in my head. I took an ambien already, but I'm wide awake. What do I do??? I'm starting to feel like this is something I am going to have to deal with forever and that just terrifies me. The image I have so stuck in my head, it's like I could draw a perfect photo of what I found. Where the gun was, how much blood was filling the kiddie pool, the amount of brain sitting next to his body, the blood ALL over the walls. His shirt, his pants, everything. It's all so fresh and real and like it's still sitting out there.

More of the reason I want out of this house.

Here's to hoping I can fall back asleep before I start yet another busy day.

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