Here is part of an excerpt from an e-mail I sent my Mom today:
My anxiety is OUT OF CONTROL today. I'm not sure what the deal is. I think part of it is knowing that once I leave here, that this is all real. Dad's dead. He's hasn't been on vacation the last 3 months, and I'm never going to see him walk through the halls of this house we shared ever again. Plus a lot of the joy of all the house stuff is muted from this which makes me so upset. I am SOOOO excited with how amazing the house is going to look, and everything. But more than happy I'm just so sad. Life has a funny way of timing when your gonna "deal" with a loss. It's just all hitting me really hard today. Plus these nightmares are really messing with me. I keep praying that once we move that they'll stop, the flashbacks will stop and that I'll be able to make it through one freaking day without crying.
I was fine at the new house painting for 6 hours straight. But being here, packing up his stuff, knowing I won't be back. That he'll never walk through our house again. Or hug me or the kids. It's just really setting in. Which is difficult.
But I am trying my hardest to stay strong and fight through. I got a lot done with the help of my love Todd. We put out a TON of black trash bags full of trash for the City of Chandler to pick up tomorrow. (A HUGE weight lifted off our shoulders) then tomorrow AM we're heading to the new house so we can check on the floors in person, and start painting Nora's room and finish our Master bedroom.
I go back and forth. Upset about the finalization this move makes my Daddy's suicide, and the excitement of moving into a new BREATHTAKING home that we have NO MORTGAGE payment on. Gotta focus on the good, cause there is a TON of it right now. So excited for Saturday. Putting together furniture and decorating. Then taking photos. OMG! I'm bursting at the seams!