Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Life after death

It's been a little over 4 months since my Daddy took his life. I wish I could say that the images of that day are gone, but sadly I know they will never be gone. Instead I am finding room to remember good memories. I spend everyday hoping I'll wake up and he'll be just a phone call away.

I had a horrible nightmare last night that kept me up the majority of the night. Thankfully I haven't had a nightmare in a few weeks, when before I was having them almost every night...so I'll take the improvement!

We've been in our new home for almost a month now! It seems like so much longer! I am still so thrilled with every inch of this house! It's stunning and reflects my creativity in soo many ways. It still doesn't feel real!

The hardest part of all of this has been the looming thought that the one person who I know would be the proudest of this home would be my Daddy. I would love to believe that he's been watching over us smiling, but sadly that is beyond my beliefs. Reality is that he left me and us the second he pulled the trigger.

I'll never understand why he didn't fully think through deciding to commit suicide in the backyard of the home we shared, and I think I'll never forgive him for what I saw...but I am at peace with knowing he doesn't have to suffer anymore.

My life, and the people I surround myself with has changed drastically this year, but it was a change that was long overdue! I no longer waist time on petty drama, bad friends or supposed "family" members. Life is much more simple, and I wouldn't change that for anything!

I am continued to be amazed at the people who've stuck by me through the ups, severe downs, and everything in between. To my Mother, Todd, Auntie Jan and Cousin Tim, and other encredible friends, THANK YOU!!! Thank you for supporting me, listening, being a constant source of love and hope...I will be FOREVER grateful and promise to spend every second of every day showing my grattitude!

I look forward to what the future brings, to watching my children grow in our home, to spending the rest of my life with my soulmate and to all of the great memories yet to come!
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