Friday, September 30, 2011

It doesn't get easier

It's been 8 months and 20 days since my Daddy decided to end his life. I wish I could say that life is back to normal, and I'm doing great. But that would be a lie. I still struggle greatly with everything and have realized that it doesn't get easier, I've just become stronger and more able to cope.

I think about him every single day. There has not been a single day that I haven't thought about that day, about what I saw, and most importantly what I've lost. It's a constant reminder of the worst day of my life.

The hardest part of all of this has been realizing how much I've lost. Not only my Daddy, but my Brothers, and several family members. Going through all of this without them around for support has been really upsetting. I've tried to understand why, but I don't think I'll ever get an answer.

It makes me so sad to think that in a time when I've needed my family more than ever, I can't even rely on my own Brothers for comfort or support. It depresses me to no end.

I've become a master at holding in my emotions, my feelings, my heartache, etc. All because I fear that I'll lose more people in my life if I really let it all out. Plus, anytime I do finally cry or get emotional, it's like opening flood gates. It's exhausting.

All in all, I'm getting by, I'm surviving, pushing through, etc. But it hasn't become easier, I haven't moved on, I've just become stronger, more able to cope. But the constant reminders of that day are still as present as they were 8 months ago.

It just sucks.