Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Family Optional??

A friend posted a picture today of this saying. How true it is!:

As we grow up, we learn that the people that weren't supposed to ever let us down, probably will. You'll have your heart broken and you'll break others hearts. You'll blame a new love for things an old love did. You'll fight with your best friend, you'll cry because time is flying by, and eventually you'll lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, forgive freely, and love like you've never been hurt, because every second you spend angry or upset, is a second of happiness you can never get back!

As I've grown up, I've learned that the people that weren't supposed to ever let me down, did. I've had my heart broken, I've broken others hearts. I've blamed a new love for things an old love did. I've fought with my best friend, I've cried because time is flying by, and I lost my Daddy this year. Sooooo, I'm taking too many pictures (though I don't see how anyone could possibly take TOO many??) I've laughed too much (anyone that knows me well knows this ends with tears), I've forgiven freely, and I am finally loving like I've never been hurt, because every second I've spent angry or upset, is a second of happiness that I can never get back! 

Last week was really tough for me. I was an absolute wreck to be honest. I cried till my head hurt, I laid awake at night unable to sleep, It was just such an off week for me. I miss him so much it literally hurts. But the thing I am struggling the most with is the loss of all of the "family" members that have decided to either hurt or ignore me. My entire childhood, and most of my teenage years were spend surround by these people. We had a VERY close  family. We all got together for each holiday, went over to my Grandma's every chance we could. It was so wonderful! I have so many amazing memories with my family. Now? It's become more about lies, money, greed, deception, etc etc etc. 

I think I finally just reached my breaking point. I am beyond hurt by the lack of support from these "family" members. I don't understand, and I never will. I miss each and everyone of them, and always will. But I can't keep waiting for someone to fill me in, or reach out. I am just done with hurting. I'm done shedding tears DAILY over it. I'M JUST DONE!

Instead I will go on loving those who have chose to be in my life, and to be there for me when I've needed them most. To my Mother who is always there ready to listen. To Todd, my soul mate, who has been by my side through all the madness of this year. To my Auntie Jan, who has texted/called almost daily since Jan. 11th, To my Cousin Tim who has been a better Brother than my 2 "brothers" combined. To the amazing friends I have in my life, and to my children, who are my EVERYTHING. THANK YOU!! You are all so so very important to me, and I am so so very glad I have each and everyone of you. 

I'm still hoping for the day when I can make it through an entire 24hrs without breaking down into tears! One day right?? :-P

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Happy Birthday Daddy

Saturday is my Daddy's Birthday. He would have been 61.

He would have been...(insert frowny face here)

Another milestone passed, without him. Another day, without him. It just sucks!!

Grieving the loss of my Daddy has to be without a doubt the most difficult thing I've ever experienced. Feeling the loss daily since January 19, 2011. Not a single day has gone by without tears, without hurt. I continue to stay strong, hopeful and positive that time will heal my emotional wounds. It's really the only way I feel I can stay ahead of the hurt. Realizing that as time passes, so will the wreckage that has happened as a result of his decision to take his own life.

Usually on his Birthday I would go over to his house and make him meatloaf (his favorite meal I made for him) and we would just hang out. Something I LOVED to do with him. He was so easy to be around. Even on my worst days he knew just how to make me laugh and forget my problems. Laugh off the tough stuff, and enjoy life! Humor is something I hold very dear, not only because my Daddy was one of the funniest people I've ever known, but because it has the power to change someones day or mood even! Laughter really is the best medicine.

I have a long road ahead of me, a lot of grief to deal with still, but there is nothing I can't handle. I will get past it, and I will continue to be thankful for each day I have on this earth.

I love you Daddy! Happy Birthday!!

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Little Reminders

A certain song, walking past a photo of you, flashbacks, all these little reminders of you. Reminders that you aren't here anymore, and are now just a memory.

I wish that things were easier, that I could get through just one day without crying. Yet I still somehow make it through each day. If I could just find a way to trade tears for money, I'd never have to work again! ha!

My kids continue to amaze me with their ability to just go on with life. The innocence of a child is priceless. They are both still really frank about everything. Telling just about everyone "my Papa's dead, he shot himself in the head". Kids say the darndest things...

I continue to say hopeful, positive, that someday the grieving will subside and allow for more happy memories. As hard as everything has been, and continues to be, I am still so thankful for everything tucked under our roof. My love, my children and even the animals too! :P