Monday, November 21, 2011

Taking charge of my life

After finally reaching my breaking point, both physically and emotionally, I came to the realization that I needed to take charge of my life and make some changes. I prayed, I spoke with my Bereavement Counselor, talked to Todd, and then prayed some more. Keep in mind, I am not a religious person AT ALL. I have my own beliefs, and I guess desperate times call for desperate measures. Anyway...I was finally visited in my dreams by my Daddy. Not a nightmare, not him after he shot himself, just HIM. Sitting next to me having a conversation like we always used to. It was so vivid and, well amazing.

The next morning I knew what I needed to do. I decided to step away from Forever Photography. Not because I don't love doing it, but because I need a way to simplify. To lessen my stress levels. My health has to be a bigger priority. So I had to sadly cancel all the appointments I had schedule in the next 2 months. It was not easy! But I truly believe that if I am meant to be a Photographer, then I WILL be. Just not right now. I don't have the heart for it.

This weekend was AMAZZING. My step-son Fyodor was with us and he just adds to the joy in our house. He is such a great little man! The kids really really really love having him around too! So that in itself is awesome. I planted flowers, we sat in the driveway and let the kids ride their bikes with the neighbors kids, it was just one of those days where I knew I was exactly where I am supposed to be. More importantly, I am PROUD of where I am.

After a lot of hard work, Todd and I are stronger than ever. The kids are thriving, and HAPPY. Our home is still a fairy tale/wish-come-true. Most of all, I am proud of myself. For overcoming what I have, for growing as a person, and for doing all I can to better myself as a person. Everything else at this point, is just a bonus.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

More firsts

With the Holidays approaching quickly, I am preparing myself for an absence this year. This will mark the first Thanksgiving and Christmas without my Daddy. Harder, is thinking about him not being around for the kids. Their "Papa" meant the world to them! While we lived with him, he made every second he was at home all about the kids. We all played out back, went to the pool, went to the park, on walks, out on "adventures" as we called them. He was always bursting with pride when it came to them. He changed diapers, bathed them, fed them, stepped up in anyway he could while I was so ill. I am so very thankful for the 3 years we all spent together. Memories I will cherish for a lifetime!

Last Christmas is the last really great memory I have of my Daddy. But soon after came the little hints of his depression. Hints I didn't see until it was too late. Him forgetting my Birthday, 14 days prior to him taking his life. That week haunts me. Seeing him so down, so disengaged, I just had no clue how bad it was.

I know I can't turn back time, but I still go over and over what would have, or could have happened differently. It is what it is, and life goes on...if only if were that easy!

There are a lot of things that I could let get me down, but I've been down, and down sucks...so I will keep pushing on and hoping for the best!

Thursday, November 3, 2011

The power of POSITIVE thinking

To say this year has been rough is a total understatement...but really it has been rough!

I've done my best to keep my "annoyingly optimistic" persona, but have learned that can be harder said than done.

The one thing I know without any doubt is that there is power in positive thinking! I am the only one that can control my mood or thoughts. Me! So if something is bringing me down, it is up to me, and only me, to bring myself out of the funk.

So instead of dwelling on my loss, or spending my days depressed, I CHOOSE to be happy. I focus on all of the GOOD things I have in my life. The bad is just, well...not welcomed!

The images of finding my Daddy will never be gone, but neither will the GOOD memories we shared. I can assure you there are plenty more good than bad when it comes to my Daddy. He was and continues to be a constant source of GOOD in my life. Even after death.

Those that choose to dwell on the bad, or negative are just not welcome in my life. I don't need any additional heartache! I've had plenty this year thanks! :)

So next time you find yourself upset, sad, depressed, angry. Think about how quickly you can turn around your day if you start focusing on those positives, those GOOD things in your life. Soon you too can see how the power of positive thinking can change your outlook and attitude.