Monday, December 19, 2011

11 Months

Today marks 11 months since the day my Daddy took his life. 11 months without him. 11 months of waking up every morning realizing it really happened and that he's gone. 11 months of tears, nightmares, unanswered questions, and pure torturous heartache.

Looking back at the past 11 months, I still wonder how the hell I've managed to survive all of this. Where has this strength come from? How could I possibly have made it through the last 11 months without landing in the loony bin? I don't have an answer. More importantly, I don't need one! Instead, I continue to be thankful for the strength and ability to push on.

I look forward to what the future has to bring, but I can't help but hope that this will be the worst year of my life. That the years ahead hold only good things and that I have a lifetime to watch my children grow. I know it's naive to think that I am free from any hard times, but I continue to feel that if I've survived the past 11 months, I can get through anything.

11 months ago I woke up thinking it was just another day. I never thought it would be the day I'd come home and find a note that would forever change my life. "Please DO NOT go outside, Call the Police, I'm sorry" 

10 words that will forever be burned into my head. Did he really think I wouldn't go outside?? This is one of many questions I will never get an answer to. I did go outside, and what I found, is now the nightmare I fight daily in my head. No horror movie could even touch what I saw. Not because of the blood, not because of the chunk of his brain next to his body, but because it was the man I loved most in this world. Dead. Gone. No child should EVER have to see their parent in that manner.

Thankfully I have millions of amazing memories of him that I can focus on. Our relationship was one for the record books. I wouldn't have changed a thing!

11 months down...a lifetime to go!

Friday, December 16, 2011

He should be here!

With the Holiday season upon us, I can't help but keep thinking "he should be here". He SHOULD be here! To see how big both of the kids are. To see how amazingly well Landen is doing in school. (Papa would be SO PROUD!!) To see what a character Nora is...HE SHOULD BE HERE!!!

Last Christmas was the last time I remember seeing my Daddy really happy. Everything kinda went downhill after that...

It's been difficult forgiving my Daddy for leaving us, very difficult! But I don't view his suicide as selfish. I know how much pain he was in, both physically and mentally. I know with 100% certainty that he didn't do what he did to hurt me. He did it to free himself from pain.

I have been there before. In May and June of 2010 I was hospitalized due to my Crohn's Disease. First for 5 days and then again for 11 days. In a month I went from being a skinny 120lbs to an emaciated 96lbs. At 5 foot 9, I was literally skin and bones. I sat in a hospital bed unable to eat, sleep or get through a day without 15-20 trips to the bathroom. By day 3 of my second stay, I was put on 19 pills a day! 19!!! On day 9, when my Mom came to visit. I told her I was done. That I wanted to be discharged so I could go home and be at peace. I was prepared and wanted to die. I prayed for God to take me and spare me from anymore suffering.

I decided to give it a few more days hoping the Doctors would find some sort of miracle for me. Then after having a great conversation with my Daddy, I told the Doctors I refused further medication and wanted to be sent home. My Doctor told me to make sure I had a will and that my personal affairs were in order and wished me luck.

Thankfully, after stopping the 19 pills a day, I slowly started feeling better. I had a glimmer of hope, and that little glimmer got me to where I am today. 130lbs and doing better than I have in YEARS!

This experience helped me understand how you CAN get to the point of suicide. How when you feel there is ZERO hope, suicide seems like the only option. How if feels to be in constant pain and emotional anguish. I've been there.

My Daddy was 60 years old, and after being hit by a car while riding his bike 11 months prior to him taking his life, he lost his ability to do most of the things he loved. He knew that since he couldn't afford insurance or the knee replacement he desperately needed, he had to just deal with the pain. My Daddy was a very proud man, I think I've only seen him cry (other than tears of joy) one other time. When his best friend Russ died. But after his accident, I saw him cry often. I saw him wince in pain every time he put weight on his leg, saw tears roll down his face when he tried to play with the kids and couldn't. He was miserable, and for 11 months, he stayed strong and dealt with it. But after 11 months of pure torture, he gave up. I don't view that as selfish.

My Daddy was an AMAZING man, and I will always view him that way. Nothing will ever change that.

I wish he was here. He SHOULD be here!!

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Negativity NOT welcome :)

"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."

This quote has gotten me through so much this year! 

I could keep dwelling on what I saw, what I've been through, or the pain that I've had to deal with...but what good will come of that? 

Instead I continue to focus on the GOOD, the POSITIVE! It won't make up for what I've lost, nothing will, but it keeps me in check! 

From as young as I can remember, I wanted to be a Mommy and a Wife. I have always found great joy in taking care of others, and knew there was no greater gift than having children and a family. So instead of being sad about those that choose not to be a part of this joy in my life, I'm instead happy and thankful for those that ARE in my life. 

I could also dwell on my Crohn's Disease and the difficulties that come along with having an auto-immune disease, or I could be thankful for being alive. 

It is not in my nature to be negative, or to succumb to depression, so when I'm not my normal happy "annoyingly optimistic  self, I feel like someone has taken over my body. It's so unsettling. This is when I turn my focus to the GOOD, the POSITIVE. Soon, I am back to being ME.

I have overcome so much this year, and it only gives me more motivation to keep on going. If I can get through what I have, there is NOTHING that can bring me down. I am stronger than ever, and learning to love life to the fullest again.

YOU can choose your thoughts the same way you choose what clothes you wear every day. This is a power you CAN cultivate. If you want to control things in your life, work on your mind!!!!"