Monday, December 19, 2011

11 Months

Today marks 11 months since the day my Daddy took his life. 11 months without him. 11 months of waking up every morning realizing it really happened and that he's gone. 11 months of tears, nightmares, unanswered questions, and pure torturous heartache.

Looking back at the past 11 months, I still wonder how the hell I've managed to survive all of this. Where has this strength come from? How could I possibly have made it through the last 11 months without landing in the loony bin? I don't have an answer. More importantly, I don't need one! Instead, I continue to be thankful for the strength and ability to push on.

I look forward to what the future has to bring, but I can't help but hope that this will be the worst year of my life. That the years ahead hold only good things and that I have a lifetime to watch my children grow. I know it's naive to think that I am free from any hard times, but I continue to feel that if I've survived the past 11 months, I can get through anything.

11 months ago I woke up thinking it was just another day. I never thought it would be the day I'd come home and find a note that would forever change my life. "Please DO NOT go outside, Call the Police, I'm sorry" 

10 words that will forever be burned into my head. Did he really think I wouldn't go outside?? This is one of many questions I will never get an answer to. I did go outside, and what I found, is now the nightmare I fight daily in my head. No horror movie could even touch what I saw. Not because of the blood, not because of the chunk of his brain next to his body, but because it was the man I loved most in this world. Dead. Gone. No child should EVER have to see their parent in that manner.

Thankfully I have millions of amazing memories of him that I can focus on. Our relationship was one for the record books. I wouldn't have changed a thing!

11 months down...a lifetime to go!



4 comments:

  1. Each day will pass and you will get stronger. Not that it will hurt less when you think about him, and that is a sight that no one should have seen, let alone a child of the person. When you start thinking about that day, try to think of a happy thought, just focus on that. I hope that will help! Thinking about you and your kids!! <3<3

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  2. this story broke my hear. I know three people who committed suicide. I have a family hubby and little girl I hold dear to my heart and can only imagine what you are going through. I lost my father to cancer 14 years ago but can only imagine how you must be feeling at the loss of your father. Can we keep in touch? You story really inspired me to help other people who are having depression problems. At one point after my dad died I suffered from bad anxiety and depression but I talked to someone and got help and that is how I am the strong person I am today. I admire you for who you are and for staying strong. I will pray for you and keep your father in my thoughts. He seemed like a sweet man and when I saw him hugging his little girl I cried. That must have been his grandchild. I know he must have loved his family very much . Im so sorry he chose to end his life. If you need to talk, Id love to listen and be of comfort. My name is Rebecca Day Smithers just look me up on facebook

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    1. Rebecca, thank you so much for your comment, I'd be happy to add you on Facebook, but when I copied your name into the search bar it didn't come up with anything. Why don't you send me an e-mail at wballiett@gmail.com Thanks!!

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