Friday, December 16, 2011

He should be here!

With the Holiday season upon us, I can't help but keep thinking "he should be here". He SHOULD be here! To see how big both of the kids are. To see how amazingly well Landen is doing in school. (Papa would be SO PROUD!!) To see what a character Nora is...HE SHOULD BE HERE!!!

Last Christmas was the last time I remember seeing my Daddy really happy. Everything kinda went downhill after that...

It's been difficult forgiving my Daddy for leaving us, very difficult! But I don't view his suicide as selfish. I know how much pain he was in, both physically and mentally. I know with 100% certainty that he didn't do what he did to hurt me. He did it to free himself from pain.

I have been there before. In May and June of 2010 I was hospitalized due to my Crohn's Disease. First for 5 days and then again for 11 days. In a month I went from being a skinny 120lbs to an emaciated 96lbs. At 5 foot 9, I was literally skin and bones. I sat in a hospital bed unable to eat, sleep or get through a day without 15-20 trips to the bathroom. By day 3 of my second stay, I was put on 19 pills a day! 19!!! On day 9, when my Mom came to visit. I told her I was done. That I wanted to be discharged so I could go home and be at peace. I was prepared and wanted to die. I prayed for God to take me and spare me from anymore suffering.

I decided to give it a few more days hoping the Doctors would find some sort of miracle for me. Then after having a great conversation with my Daddy, I told the Doctors I refused further medication and wanted to be sent home. My Doctor told me to make sure I had a will and that my personal affairs were in order and wished me luck.

Thankfully, after stopping the 19 pills a day, I slowly started feeling better. I had a glimmer of hope, and that little glimmer got me to where I am today. 130lbs and doing better than I have in YEARS!

This experience helped me understand how you CAN get to the point of suicide. How when you feel there is ZERO hope, suicide seems like the only option. How if feels to be in constant pain and emotional anguish. I've been there.

My Daddy was 60 years old, and after being hit by a car while riding his bike 11 months prior to him taking his life, he lost his ability to do most of the things he loved. He knew that since he couldn't afford insurance or the knee replacement he desperately needed, he had to just deal with the pain. My Daddy was a very proud man, I think I've only seen him cry (other than tears of joy) one other time. When his best friend Russ died. But after his accident, I saw him cry often. I saw him wince in pain every time he put weight on his leg, saw tears roll down his face when he tried to play with the kids and couldn't. He was miserable, and for 11 months, he stayed strong and dealt with it. But after 11 months of pure torture, he gave up. I don't view that as selfish.

My Daddy was an AMAZING man, and I will always view him that way. Nothing will ever change that.

I wish he was here. He SHOULD be here!!


  1. I am SO proud of you...You are doing well with what life has handed you! I'm sure this wasn't an easy decision for your poor Dad to make...he loves you & your kids so much, you can tell!!
    I'm so HAPPY to hear you are feeling better & actually putting on weight!! Have a very Merry Christmas...your Daddy is smiling down on you! <3

  2. I have read every single blog entry you have written! You have new strength every blog, I could not imagine goin through what you saw and have had to deal with this last year. I lost my aunt in 2004 (cancer) and my grandma in 2010 (cancer) I was really close to both and still think of them everyday. My heart aches for what you are going through with your family. I hope you don't stop writing, I think your blog can seriously help people who are going through the loss of someone or who have thought to lose themselves! I look forward to seeing/reading your strength increase. You daddy is always in your heart, and you can talk
    To him. That's what I do with my aunt and grandma. <3