Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Poetic Justice

Dear Daddy

Dear Daddy, why did you leave me?
Why couldn't you stay?

I'd do anything to hug you,
anything to see your face.

You mean the world to me still,
you always knew just what to say.

To calm your little girl,
and bring a smile to my face.

I will always love you,
that will never change.

I'm just a little blue,
and feeling extra sad today.

For I cannot hug you,
I cannot feel your grace.

I am left instead with flashes of blood,
and what was left of your face.

Please help keep me strong,
help take my pain away.

I am no longer whole,
just not myself today.

For now I am broken,
and learning to live life that way.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

A few days ago I received a message from someone who reads my blog. The message started out like this (it is edited to protect the identity of the reader):

"I have been meaning to get online and send you a thank you! While you probably don't realize this.you saved my ******'s life! All of your posts about depression and anxiety made me take a step back and talk to ****** about what appeared to be *** sinking into the darkness of depression."

The follower went on to explain that their loved one was exhibiting some of the warning signs I saw in my Daddy. The reader decided to sit their loved one down and get to the bottom of it. The readers loved one had been contemplating suicide.Thankfully, because the reader was able to see the warning signs in their loved one, this individual is alive and on the road to recovery! 

I didn't make it past the second paragraph of the readers message. I was sobbing.

I have only asked my Daddy for one thing since he left. (I talk to him every night) That through the darkness of losing my Daddy to suicide, that I could reach just one person. Save just one life.

I plan to continue to reach out to others, I have submitted myself to be a speaker (touring Jr. and Senior Highs in AZ) reaching out to AZ youth about bullying and suicide. I will also be a guest blogger for Wings of Hope

I'd like to share a few facts and statistics that might shock you. Educate yourself on suicide. It's a MUCH bigger problem than you may think.

Between 1952 and 1995, suicide in young adults nearly tripled. 

For young people aged 15-24 years old, suicide is the third leading cause of death. (Homicide is 15th!)

Suicide takes the lives of nearly 30,000 Americans every year.

1 in 65,000 children ages 10 to 14 commit suicide each year.

An average of one person dies by suicide every 16.2 minutes. (CDC, AAS)

There are twice as many deaths due to suicide than HIV/AIDS.

Over half of all suicides are completed with a firearm.

80% of people that seek treatment for depression are treated successfully.

The strongest risk factor for suicide is depression.

There are four male suicides for every female suicide. (CDC, AAS)

Research has shown medications and therapy to be effective suicide prevention.

Suicide can be prevented through education and public awareness.

Thank you to the reader for sharing your story with me. I am humbled and grateful that my experience helped save a life!!

Tomorrow is the 1 year anniversary of my Daddy's death. I know it will not be an easy day, but it will be one more day that I can possibly save a life, one more day that I can see the faces of my beautiful children, one more day that I will not regret! One day at a time!

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Birthday. Happy Optional.

Today is my 29th Birthday. A day I should be celebrating another year, happy to be alive and excited to have a special day to myself. If only...

Today I have spent far more time crying and being upset than being "happy". It's really annoying, and getting in the way of my Happy Birthday

No it's not because of the impending 30 year mark that I will have to own up to next year. Although it does put a "dun dun dun" sound in my head.

Last year on my 28th Birthday, my Daddy (whom I was living with at the time) forgot my Birthday completely. I answered phone calls from people wishing me a Happy Birthday, I got all dressed up to go out to dinner (as was a yearly tradition on our Birthdays) with my family, and he just laid on the couch watching TV. My Mom even asked him if he was coming, to which he replied "no thank you". I thought it was odd that he didn't remember, considering he always made a big deal out of it. I didn't realize then why he wasn't present that day.

He had already started planning his demise.

The blank look on his face that day, it is haunting me today. I can literally see his face in my head. It's an image that is leaving me an emotional wreck today. He knew then that he was going to soon take his own life.

Thankfully my Mom and friend Stephanie are taking me out to lunch today. If it weren't for them, I'd be spending the entire day crying alone.

It's my Birthday, and I'll cry if I want to!!