Monday, March 26, 2012

GREAT day

If I could go back in time and talk to myself days, weeks, or even months after my Father decided to take his own life, I know I wouldn't believe that a great day is even possible. Not when all I could think about was that day. Not when I was sure that life was out to get me. How could a good day, let alone  a great day happen when I found my Daddy after he shot himself? I would laugh at myself and think I was crazy.

Yet here I am, having not a bad day, not a good day, but a great day!

My guest blog for Second Firsts was posted this morning and I have been receiving really wonderful feedback all day. My blog has received over 300 views today alone. It has been such a humbling experience knowing my story is out there for so many people to see. I feel so driven to share my journey with others in hopes of changing and saving lives.

In addition, my Son came home today with his report card full of excelling marks, and a letter informing us that he is receiving another Academic Award this Wednesday.

Good?

Nah....


GREAT!!!


So for those of you reading that are back where I was, believing a great day isn't possible, it is! You can overcome your grief, you can experience happy times again, and you can consider that my promise to you. Hold on to this promise, because someday when that great day happens...I hope to be able to tell you "I told you so!"


Tuesday, March 20, 2012

14 Month Mark

Yesterday marked the 14th month since my Daddy's suicide. 14 months!? How is that even possible!?

It's weird how 1-19-11 seems like it was just yesterday. It's all still so fresh in my mind. I could draw descriptive  images it's so clear. I could write out the entire note he left me, I can see the looks on my children's faces when I made them go into their room. I can close my eyes and swear I am right there next to his body.

14 months after the fact, and I still struggle daily with these reminders.

I work hard each day to move on, to turn this negative into a positive, to become a better person because of it. I do my best to focus on the positive, to appreciate what I do have, but it is easier said than done sadly.

As hard as I do try, these thoughts, and images find a way into my thoughts each day. There is no escaping it. So I've learned to deal with it, I've learned to cry and then move on. I've learned to overcome this, and am now stronger than I ever thought I could be.

I'd be lying if I said I'm over it, I am far from that, but I no longer allow it to control me. Some days are easier than others, some are harder and full of more heartache. But I always find a way to overcome. Why? I am too damn strong to let it defeat me. I have made it through the hardest year of my life, and somehow I am still able to appreciate the good.

I am finally able to look at a photo of my Daddy without losing it. I'm able to look at his face and smile, remembering the incredible Father I was so lucky to have for 28 years. I am able to remember all of the wonderful memories we shared. Things that used to be clouded by the image of him after he shot himself.

I consider all of these things progress. Which is all I can hope for at this point.

I have made it through the last 14 months, nothing can stop me now! :)

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

I AM...

One of the things I've struggled with since losing my Daddy to suicide, is not letting it define me.

I am Whitney, and I lost my Father to Suicide on January 19, 2011.

This is who I have been since that day, but it is not who I really am.

I am...

A mother of 4 amazingly perfect kids. My first born Landen Douglas (bottom left) is 6 years old, my Daughter Nora Rose (top right) is 4 years old, and my Step-sons Calvin (bottom right) and Fyodor (bottom left) are 15 and 12.

A Wifey to my soul mate. We've been through the hardest of times together, and I still hold such deep love for him. He completes me, and still manages to give me butterflies. I mean come on! Look at my handsome hubby!!



A Daughter to an incredible Mother. We have always been close, and she is ALWAYS there for me and our family.

An Animal Lover. In our house, we have a mini zoo. No seriously! 2 dogs, 2 cats, 4 chickens and a fish. :)



A creative force to be reckoned with!! I am VERY passionate about design and the arts! My favorites include Graphic Design, Interior Design. Photography and Dance. 






I am a lot of things. All of them defining me and who I am as a person. Although I am now considered a Suicide Survivor, I am so much more!