Tuesday, March 20, 2012

14 Month Mark

Yesterday marked the 14th month since my Daddy's suicide. 14 months!? How is that even possible!?

It's weird how 1-19-11 seems like it was just yesterday. It's all still so fresh in my mind. I could draw descriptive  images it's so clear. I could write out the entire note he left me, I can see the looks on my children's faces when I made them go into their room. I can close my eyes and swear I am right there next to his body.

14 months after the fact, and I still struggle daily with these reminders.

I work hard each day to move on, to turn this negative into a positive, to become a better person because of it. I do my best to focus on the positive, to appreciate what I do have, but it is easier said than done sadly.

As hard as I do try, these thoughts, and images find a way into my thoughts each day. There is no escaping it. So I've learned to deal with it, I've learned to cry and then move on. I've learned to overcome this, and am now stronger than I ever thought I could be.

I'd be lying if I said I'm over it, I am far from that, but I no longer allow it to control me. Some days are easier than others, some are harder and full of more heartache. But I always find a way to overcome. Why? I am too damn strong to let it defeat me. I have made it through the hardest year of my life, and somehow I am still able to appreciate the good.

I am finally able to look at a photo of my Daddy without losing it. I'm able to look at his face and smile, remembering the incredible Father I was so lucky to have for 28 years. I am able to remember all of the wonderful memories we shared. Things that used to be clouded by the image of him after he shot himself.

I consider all of these things progress. Which is all I can hope for at this point.

I have made it through the last 14 months, nothing can stop me now! :)

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