Tuesday, April 10, 2012

The Lyrics to My Love Story

When I think of my Hubby, my soul mate, my best friend, I am overwhelmed with joyful thoughts and feelings. To this day, he still looks at me the same way he did when we first started dating. He still gives me butterflies, I still find him so ridiculously handsome. I am just so madly in love with him.

Our love story hasn't been perfect, we've been through some really tough times. Together, separate and just about everything in-between. Through every obstacle we have overcome, we are stronger than ever. More importantly, we are happy! So blissfully happy at that. Our children, our house, our time as a family, it's everything I ever hoped it would be.

Music is something that I hold very dear to my heart. It can bring me out of a bad mood, it can motivate me when nothing else can. So when I think of my love, I think of a few songs. Songs that bring an instant smile to my face because they remind me of Todd.

At Last - Etta James Our wedding song. It always puts a smile on my face and reminds me of our magical day.

Stuck Like Glue - Sugarland

Some days I don't feel like trying
Some days you know I wanna just give up

When it doesn't matter who's right
Fight about it all night
Had enough, you give me that look
I'm sorry baby let's make up

You do that thing that makes me laugh
And just like that

There you go making my heart beat again
Heart beat again, heart beat again
There you go making me feel like a kid
Won't you do it, do it one time?

Absolutely no one who knows me better
No one that can make me feel so good
How did we stay so long together?
Everybody, everybody said we never would

And just when I
Start to think they're right
The love has died

There you go making my heart beat again

The last and most influential song explains our love story to a T! It has become a sort of Anthem for our re-connection and always reminds me of how far we have come.

Bless the Broken Road - Rascall Flats 

I set out on a narrow way, many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
Yes He did

I think about the years I spent, just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost, and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there, you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

But now I'm just rolling home into my lover's arms
This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think everyone has these songs, written lyrics added to beautiful melodies that create a moment within us. Reminding us of loves lost, loves gained, and all of the beauty that life has to offer. I am so thankful that through everything Todd and I have been through that we are better than ever, happier than either of us thought we could be. It's magical, and one of the many blessings getting me through all of the hard times.

I look so forward to what tomorrow, next week, and the rest of our lives has in store for us. Thank you for blessing me with two perfect children and two incredible step-sons. Thank you for standing beside me in the darkest days of my life. Thank you for being so supportive and for just being YOU! I love and adore you. 

Thursday, April 5, 2012


I will be the first to admit that prior to my own experiences with PTSD, I was unaware and totally uneducated on what it really was. Like most, I thought it was only something that War Veterans experienced from the trauma of seeing people killed. So when I was diagnosed with severe PTSD after my Father's suicide, I didn't take it seriously. How could I possibly put myself in the same arena as the Veterans? I ignored it completely.

Soon, after landing in the Emergency Room several times due to panic attacks, I started looking deeper into PTSD. When I finally brought it up to my Therapist, she shined a bright light on the whole issue.

She asked me how I thought that seeing my Father after he shot himself in the head with a shotgun was any less traumatic. She explained that my constant night terrors and uncontrollable anxiety was all because of the trauma I experienced that day.

I still didn't take it serious, especially when anyone I brought it up to that wasn't a Mental Health Professional, seemed to not take it seriously.

After finding my Daddy, I was suffering greatly with the after effects of PTSD. I was in constant fear. Fear of someone breaking in my house or causing me harm, I was in constant fear of finding another piece of my Father's skull, constant fear of finding more blood splatters on the walls outside. I woke up every single night soaked in sweat, reliving what I found in graphic detail. No matter what I did, it consumed me.

I still suffer, I still feel unsafe when Todd isn't here. If the doorbell rings and I am not expecting someone, or my dogs start barking, I go into a state of panic. Logically, I know I am safe, but I still fight with these anxieties. Thankfully the night terrors aren't daily anymore, but the ability to flashback to the moment I found him is still so apparent.

There is such a stigma around Mental Health issues, and it saddens me. So many people are suffering, and aren't getting help because they do not want to be considered "crazy" or "unstable". These people then go untreated and are at a much higher risk of suicide.

PTSD, saying goodbye to people you used to count on, night terrors, uncontrollable anxiety....just a few of the side effects of the aftermath of suicide.

Save your loved ones from the constant heartache, take a deep breath, and talk to someone! Your life is so precious, and there is SOMEONE who still wants you here!! Ignore the stigma, make an appointment and TALK to ANYONE who will listen. It really does get better!!!

Wednesday, April 4, 2012


In life there are moments that we will never forget, dates that will forever be immortalized within us. These dates are reminders of where we have been and sometimes even what we have overcome.

Some dates are bitter-sweet reminders, some take us back to some of our happiest moments.

I like to consider these dates as stamps in our life passport.

I started thinking of some of my happiest stamps:

June 25, 2005, after 36 hours of labor, 5 hours of pushing, my 9lb 8oz baby boy was born. The moment they laid him on my chest was the happiest moment of my life. I sobbed and sobbed tears of pure and immense joy. I couldn't stop looking at him, touching him, admiring every single inch of his chunky body. He was PERFECT! 

March 25, 2006, I put on my dream Wedding gown, walked down the isle with my Father on my arm, and Married my soul mate. It was a beautiful day full of so much love.

June 20, 2007, after 13 hours of labor and 15 minutes of pushing, my 7lb 11oz baby girl was born. My toe-headed princess was finally here! Being the youngest and only girl for her Daddy, she was such a welcomed blessing to our family.

March 28, 2011, we got the keys to our first home. After searching and searching for the perfect floor plan, we found the one. The home we would raise our kids in, the home we would grow old in.

Sadly, all of my date stamps can't be happy memories, and I will forever be reminded of the worst stamp in my life passport.

January 19, 2011, the day I found my Daddy after he took his own life.

Although, I cannot erase this entry, I can and do now consider it something I have overcome. This date, this stamp, didn't and will not keep me from adding as many happy stamps as I can.

I look forward to the lifetime of happy stamps that are in my future! You should too!!