Monday, May 21, 2012

A day in the life of me?

A day in my life. This used to be something I could explain easily.

I'd wake up, change a diaper or two, make breakfast, get the kids ready, get myself ready, go to work, come home, feed kids, change more diapers, give baths, sleep. Rinse and Repeat. Life was a bit more simple then.

That was before my Crohn's Disease diagnosis, that was before my separation, back together, separation, divorce. That was before I started having severe pain on a daily basis. That was before my Father ended his life.

Now, I am home with my "lovie" Nora Rose. I enjoy everyday with her, because she is just so fantastically wonderful to be around. She is funny, and silly, and smart, and kind, and spoiled. But our time together is something I know I will cherish forever. Then when Landen returns from school, it's time for homework, and dinner and showers and bed. Thankfully I have Todd, who is such an immense help. He has stepped up, and fills in anytime he can.

If you know me well, you know when you ask me how I am, I will usually say "I'm okay thanks, how are you?" I don't want to be the subject. I'm afraid to let ANYONE inside 100%. I don't want Todd to know how sick I am because I fear that it will stress him out too much. So I hold in the pain, I push through. But I am only able to do that for so long. I don't want my Mom to have to hear how much it KILLS me that my Family is absent now, because I don't want her to stress about it. I internalize. Everything. I hold in the pain, I hold in the grief, I hold in the sadness, I try my damnedest to be the best I can be when I feel like crap.

The problem with internalizing is that with my Crohn's, even if I'm trying to mask the pain or stress, it doesn't allow me a pass. The stress, the pain, it internalizes. Which in return turns into more pain, more nausea, more inflammation. I have really been trying to be better about not internalizing. Sharing my true feelings with my friends and loved ones that are in my life. You know what? It's helping. But, I still find myself holding back. Not wanting to over stress out anyone else with my crap knowing that they have their own crap.

So a day when my Crohn's is bad, which isn't as often as it once was thankfully, is a day full of counting steps, thinking about way to not have to move so it hurts less. Being close to a bathroom. Trying to hydrate myself enough that I don't dehydrate, which happens so quickly since I lose more that I can consume. It's a constant battle that I've learned to deal with. It is what it is. I cannot change my Crohn's, there is no cure, but I am certainly not going to let it rule my life. So I take the bad days as they come, and enjoy the good ones. That is really all I CAN do.

What I think most people don't understand about everyday since my Dad took his life, is that I have a constant reminder of that day with me ALWAYS. There are triggers everywhere, there are reminders everywhere. I cannot hide from my grief. It is now something I will carry with me. I have a constant picture of the image of him lying in the kiddie pool. I have a constant reminder of dropping to my knees screaming. I have a constant reminder of the note he left. 16 months later and that day is still as clear as like it happened just yesterday.

It is this constant reminder that keeps me so aware of what happened. No matter how much time has past. When you find the most important Man in your life after he's shot himself with a shotgun. When you have to explain to your children where their Papa is. When you have to have your Father handed to you in a cardboard box.

It just doesn't leave. It doesn't go away. I just have learned to deal with it.

I am so thankful for the wonderful people in my life that lift me up, that keep me going. That give me the strength each day to get out of bed and face the day. Most of all my children, Todd and my Mother. I continue to enjoy my life, because bad things aside, I have a pretty fantastic life. I am madly, deeply in love with the Father of my children, and have the greatest children I could ever hope for.

I continue to look forward to the future, watching my children grow (which is happening WAAY to fast) falling in deeper love with Todd, and enjoying any moment I can.

Monday, May 7, 2012

Then and Now

Looking back at the past 16 Months, my mind becomes flooded with some of the worst memories I carry to date. But at the same time, it brings forth such a sense of accomplishment. Knowing I have made it past these horrible moments gives me strength. A strength that has come with some negative and unwanted aftermath, but a undying strength it is non-the-less.

16 months ago I was broken, depressed, and in total shock. The days, weeks, and months flew by as I stood still. Frozen in the moment I found him. That image was all that I could see. I was living in a nightmare and had no idea how to wake myself up. I went through the motions, I stayed present for my children, but I was stuck in a dark place feeling like I would never see light again. As the months continued to go by, I painted, I decorated, I cooked, I cleaned, I tried to regain some of my old life back. No matter what I did, I was still stuck in that day, that moment when my whole life stopped.

That was then.

Now? Now, I am moving, I am laughing, I am LOVING, and most importantly, I am HAPPY. I can see all the blessings I have, I can enjoy life, I feel more like ME.

If I went back and tried to convince myself that I'd be where I am now just 16 months after that horrible day. There is no way I could.

Yet here I am. Happy. Who of thunk it! :)

My children are blissfully happy. They are thriving, and as a parent, that is all I could ever hope for. Landen continues to excel at school, Nora is getting brighter and brighter as the days pass. They are both polite, and kind and giving and extend that to anyone they come in contact with. I couldn't be prouder of both of them.

Todd and I are also blissfully happy. We have been through so much together, and have some how made it out on top. The love I hold for him is so unbelievably deep. He really does complete my fairy-tale.

I have made strides in getting out and doing more outside of the house as well. I have met some of the most fantastic women out here in Maricopa. Women that push me to be better, and make me proud to be considered their friend. I value these friendships greatly, and am thankful for having people I know I can always count on to lift me up.

I look back at then, and then realize where I am NOW.

Now, I am happy. Happier than I thought I could ever be!

If you are stuck in THEN, feeling like a NOW is never possible. It is! Be kind to yourself, give yourself all of the time you need to get to now. There is no timeline, no need to feel like you should be somewhere you aren't. Allow yourself time to grieve, time to cry, time to heal. You will get to now, that I promise you.