Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Mommy Dearest

It's such an incredible feeling as a child to know that you have a parent that NO MATTER WHAT, will be there to encourage, love and inspire. A built in support system that has only your best intentions in mind. Someone willing to literally die for you. I was fortunate enough to have two parents like this. Yes I lost one of them, but I still have one, and a great one at that. Some people don't have any parents, or have bad parents, etc. So I find myself thanking my lucky stars that I was blessed with two remarkable human beings as parents. They have both molded me into the person I am today, and I have never gone a day wishing I had better or different parents. I owe so much to them.

My Mom has had to endure a lot this past 18 months. Not only having to deal with the grief of losing a spouse, and the Father of her children, in such a tragic way. But, having to watch me suffer as well. As a parent, I cannot even begin to imagine how hard it must be. While she is constantly commending me on my strength, what she doesn't realize it was learned from her.

I watched her lose both of her parents. First my Grandmother, whom battled for years with several different types of cancer. My Mom was there every chance she could be, for every surgery, to cook meals when she couldn't, to hold her hand, and to be a constant source of strength for my entire family. Years of scans, and surgeries, and hair falling out, and her in such intense pain. She was always there for my Grandma. It was such an inspiration to see. Then a few years ago when my Grandfather finally succumbed to his long battle with a chronic form of Guillain Barre. She took him to every single doctors appointment, visited him constantly, even spending one night cleaning up his apartment when he lost control of his bowels so he wouldn't feel embarrassed to have someone come clean. Her commitment and love for her parents was such an amazing thing to witness. All of it done with grace, strength and not a single complaint.

To my Mama, one of my personal heroes, I love you and will love you until the day I take my last breath. You continue to inspire and impress me through all odds. I look forward to many more years of great memories with you. I cannot thank you enough for everything you have done for me. I cherish you so very much and hope you know that!

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Don't Go

In 19 days both of my children will be full-time students. I'm freaking out!! I was so very blessed to be home with Landen until he came with me to work at 15 months. I only had 4 weeks home with Nora, which was not enough time. Though bringing her to work, I saw her every chance I got. So I feel blessed to have never been without contact. So what do I do now that I know they are going to be gone? Sign up for the PTO, and will be helping both of their teachers in the classroom, and will take any chance I can to see them. Last year, I was in no shape mentally or physically to handle much, and his teacher feared if I was present in the classroom that he might use it as a crutch. She was spot on, as he became one of her best students. So, it helps ease my anxiety knowing that Nora will have the same teacher.

I keep thinking about how adorable it will be to have Landen just one grade above her. He will walk her to the playground each morning, and then to the parent pick up area each afternoon. He is very protective of her, and I have no doubts about him being the best big brother ever.

I get sad when I think about another milestone that my Daddy won't be around to see. He lived and breathed  for them. The second he got home to the second he went to bed was all about them. So I know that he would be so proud. Correction. HE IS PROUD!

Tomorrow marks 18 months to the day that he took his life.

18 months that have been the hardest of my life, but they have brought about the most positive changes in my life.

Our family is back together and thriving. My love for my children has grown stronger than I ever thought possible. We have an incredible home that is bursting from the seems with love and happiness. I have said goodbye to people that I used to love dearly, knowing that I deserve better. I have loved, and lost, and learned how to LIVE again. It's refreshing and I now look forward to each and every moment I have to LIVE.

Monday, July 16, 2012

Lessons Learned

I am not perfect. I make mistakes. These two statements are two things I know to always be true.

I am not perfect, and I've made mistakes, plenty of them, but I have grown to learn from them. That is why I am thankful for the bad things that happen. It is because of the bad things, the hard times, the struggles that make the good times so much sweeter.

Take for instance finding my Father after he shot himself. This has been the struggle that has shaped the person I am today. Also, my struggles with depression, with fair weathered friends, and my health. All things that have shown me that if it wasn't for the bad, the good wouldn't be as GREAT!!

I am at a point in my life where I can breath again. Where I see things clearly and where I am actually happy. I no longer dwell on things that are out of my control. The serenity prayer is something I recite to myself often these days. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference"
I can change the people I CHOOSE to have in my life, I can change the attitude I take to the negative in life, but I cannot change the fact that I have an incurable auto immune disease, or the fact that my Daddy is gone. So why let the negative win? I have control over that, and it's become such a liberating experience.

Todd is loving his new position on the Managerial Team, a very well deserved promotion! I couldn't be prouder of him! Our relationship seems to grow stronger and stronger by the day, and I am so very thankful to have such a loving and helpful partner in life.

I have been really enjoying having both of the kids home for the summer. We've had play dates, and special outings, along with early morning trips to the park. We do movie days, crafts, build forts and anything else our imaginations come up with. I am so extremely blessed to have such incredible children.

As far as me, I am working on a new blog that will highlight my love for interior design. I am signed up to volunteer at the kids school as well as a local food shelter. I have found some really incredible local friends who share my passion for creativity and some whom have had similar life struggles. I have mended broken relationships, and have become grateful for those in our lives that continue to lift us up and support us through thick and thin. I enjoy being more social and attending get togethers often and hanging out with such wonderful women.

I am so looking forward to the future! The past is gone, the future is what I hold hope for! All my love!