Tuesday, November 27, 2012

That's The Way My Cookie Crumbled

The countdown begins. On 1-19-2013 it will be the 2 year anniversary of the tragic loss of my Daddy to suicide.

On one hand I cannot begin to fathom that it's been almost two years since he chose to take his own life. That 24 months will have gone by without a hug, kiss or conversation with him. We were so close. I kept nothing from him, I trusted him implicitly, and he always knew just what to say. He was the perfect Father, in every way. I have no complaints, regrets, or wishes of something else. I can't even dream up a better Daddy. For 28 years, he made me feel like the most important person in the world to him. He took up every opportunity to tell me how proud he was of me. Surprising me any chance he could with a special little gift or note full of praise and love. He was one of a kind, and I am so lucky to have had such an incredible man as my Father.

On the other hand, I can still remember that day, finding him, the hurt, the pain. It's all still so present.

About a week ago, I was out in the backyard putting the chickens in their coop when I heard a young girl  in a house behind us screaming at the top of her lungs. She kept saying "OH NO! OH NO! OH NO! OH GOD PLEASE NO!" and I went into instant shock. I started trembling uncontrollably, and then the flashbacks came. It was like I was standing over his body. I could smell his cologne, I could see blood everywhere, I could hear myself screaming. It took hours to feel normal again. I tried to watch a movie, I listened to music. I was just stuck. It was awful. (FYI:The girl ended up being fine, her dog was bleeding, but ended up being nothing serious)

Little reminders of what I experienced are everywhere. Just when I think I've overcome my PTSD and anxiety issues, things like that seem to pop up and remind me that I'm not superhuman, and that I have many years of healing ahead of me.

I am proud of my journey, though it has not all been ideal or a true reflection of the person I am, it has molded me and taught me so much. I am still learning and growing, and hope to never stop.

I can say, that I am happy. I wouldn't want to be anywhere else, be with anyone else, or have any other life. Burdens aside, life is good....no, life is GREAT! My health is the best it will ever be, my relationship with my Husband is as strong as ever, and my children bless me in such ways that I cannot even find words. I have surrounded myself with incredible women who are selfless, kind, creative and hilarious. I have let go of anger and resentment, and now live a life of joy and peace.

Through everything I've been through these past 2 years, I truly feel like I won the life lottery.

I will take nothing for granted, I will give, I will laugh, I will love, I will make mistakes, I will learn from them, I will continue on a path of good, and I will make it through any obstacle life has in store for me.

Monday, November 19, 2012

22 Months

Today marks 22 months since my Daddy took his own life. 22 months full of heartbreak, sorrow and a journey into discovering myself and my own inner strength.

Looking back, I am still shocked at the things I have seen, heard and experienced. In a weird way though, it has been empowering. Knowing I have been through hell and back and made it out of the darkness. I know there is nothing I cannot handle, and look at my experience as a life lesson learned the very hard way.

That being said, I'm not entirely proud of each day of the last 22 months. I have made mistakes, said things I wish I could take back, and spent entire days crying. But, that was then. That is in the past, like all mistakes made, I am learning from them. I have learned to stick to what I think is right, and not let anyone get in the way of that. I have learned to only surround myself with people who are good and want good things for others.

Most of all, I have regained my happiness. My smile, my passion for creativity, my undying appreciation for kind acts, it all has slowly but surely returned.

Both of the kids are doing incredible in school. Landen is a whiz in Math and Reading and is already showing signs of being ready to skip a grade. Nora is extremely bright as well. She is reading, writing and learning something new each and everyday. She is a total social butterfly, and just LOVES going to school. Both amaze me daily with how independent, well behaved, sensitive, generous and loving they are. I couldn't be prouder of them!

On September 30, I remarried my soul mate. In a very intimate ceremony with just Todd, myself, Landen and Nora and both our Mothers. I got to wear the dress my Mother wore when she married my Father, and Todd got to wear the Gold Aspen leaf tie tack that my Dad wore. It was such a beautiful day!! Todd continues to be my rock. Our relationship and love for each other truly grows stronger by the day. He is my best friend, and I feel so incredibly blessed to have him as my Husband. If he isn't working, he's helping around the house, making the kids laugh, or doing whatever he can to help out. He's....well....the best!!

On October 19, I joined Jamberry Nails as an Independent Consultant. It has turned out to be such a fantastic opportunity! I made back the initial investment in just 2 short weeks and am very close to being promoted to Senior Consultant. I have even earned a bonus for doing so well in my first month!! I really stand behind the product and see a very bright future with the company.

This Thanksgiving, I am really excited to have family over! Last year the Holidays were a blur, and were very difficult and trying on me. I didn't feel up to much and really just went through the motions. This year is far different, I am making a HUGE spread of food and will be enjoying a day having loved ones over. I am counting down until we can go buy a big beautiful tree, and am also looking very forward to Christmas this year.

Soon, I will be turning 30! AHHH! I am looking forward to celebrating it with my fabulous friends and family, and think that 30 is going to be my best year yet!! I am so very optimistic about my future. It's a wonderful feeling :)

To each and everyone of my friends and family that have stood by me through these VERY hard 22 months. THANK YOU! Thank you for sticking by me no matter what, and for loving and supporting me through it all. I couldn't ask for better friends and family, and appreciate each and every day I get on this earth.

Life is good! I am blessed! :)