Tuesday, November 27, 2012

That's The Way My Cookie Crumbled

The countdown begins. On 1-19-2013 it will be the 2 year anniversary of the tragic loss of my Daddy to suicide.

On one hand I cannot begin to fathom that it's been almost two years since he chose to take his own life. That 24 months will have gone by without a hug, kiss or conversation with him. We were so close. I kept nothing from him, I trusted him implicitly, and he always knew just what to say. He was the perfect Father, in every way. I have no complaints, regrets, or wishes of something else. I can't even dream up a better Daddy. For 28 years, he made me feel like the most important person in the world to him. He took up every opportunity to tell me how proud he was of me. Surprising me any chance he could with a special little gift or note full of praise and love. He was one of a kind, and I am so lucky to have had such an incredible man as my Father.

On the other hand, I can still remember that day, finding him, the hurt, the pain. It's all still so present.

About a week ago, I was out in the backyard putting the chickens in their coop when I heard a young girl  in a house behind us screaming at the top of her lungs. She kept saying "OH NO! OH NO! OH NO! OH GOD PLEASE NO!" and I went into instant shock. I started trembling uncontrollably, and then the flashbacks came. It was like I was standing over his body. I could smell his cologne, I could see blood everywhere, I could hear myself screaming. It took hours to feel normal again. I tried to watch a movie, I listened to music. I was just stuck. It was awful. (FYI:The girl ended up being fine, her dog was bleeding, but ended up being nothing serious)

Little reminders of what I experienced are everywhere. Just when I think I've overcome my PTSD and anxiety issues, things like that seem to pop up and remind me that I'm not superhuman, and that I have many years of healing ahead of me.

I am proud of my journey, though it has not all been ideal or a true reflection of the person I am, it has molded me and taught me so much. I am still learning and growing, and hope to never stop.

I can say, that I am happy. I wouldn't want to be anywhere else, be with anyone else, or have any other life. Burdens aside, life is good....no, life is GREAT! My health is the best it will ever be, my relationship with my Husband is as strong as ever, and my children bless me in such ways that I cannot even find words. I have surrounded myself with incredible women who are selfless, kind, creative and hilarious. I have let go of anger and resentment, and now live a life of joy and peace.

Through everything I've been through these past 2 years, I truly feel like I won the life lottery.

I will take nothing for granted, I will give, I will laugh, I will love, I will make mistakes, I will learn from them, I will continue on a path of good, and I will make it through any obstacle life has in store for me.

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