Friday, December 28, 2012

Letting go

One of the hardest lessons I have learned since...well...forever, is that until you let something go, it will eat you alive inside. Regardless of how good you can hold it in, stuff your feelings, or pretend it isn't there, it IS there.

I have been holding in the hurt and confusion in regards to my family members who continue to not invite me to Holiday gatherings, and who have not responded to phone calls or emails. What makes it harder and more hurtful is that both of my siblings ARE invited. I have NO IDEA why. That's the worst part. We never had a falling out, and before my Father's suicide, we spent every holiday together. I received Christmas cards, and we were a support system for each other. Then it just suddenly stopped.

At first I was really angry. How could my FAMILY abandon me when I NEEDED them most. Why wouldn't they communicate why they suddenly wanted nothing to do with me. But the question that still plagues me to this day is, what did I do??

If given the opportunity, I would do anything in my power to fix it. I miss them. So much it hurts. I spent my entire life with these people. I was there for the birth of their children, there when Family passed, and there during some of my fondest memories to date.

Now? Two Thanksgivings and Christmas' later, there is zero contact. No Christmas cards, no Cousins for my kids to play with. It makes me so sad. They are never going to know these people. There are never going to have the memories of big family filled holidays.

It doesn't have to be this way. It isn't what I want. But, I simply cannot spend anymore time crying or hurting about it.

I will continue to think of them fondly and with love from my heart. I just cannot grieve the loss of an entire family anymore. It is too much to bear.

So to my family, who I'm not sure will ever read this, I love you dearly, miss you deeply, and will always wish you well. I hope your Holiday was filled with love and happiness. I hope you are all well and most important happy. I will miss you always.

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