Sunday, February 17, 2013

Where's My Sports Car?

My journey hasn't been an easy road trip. I usually get car sick actually. I have made a lot of poor decisions, and held onto anger. I have said things I wish I could take back. I have succumb to depression and felt ready for the junk yard. I drove through life impaired by agony.

But, until I was able to take responsibility for my mistakes, I never really understood how I was the only person responsible for my misery. I controlled the direction I went. I was behind the wheel. So I needed to exercise my control over the road I choose to travel.

It's easy to blame others, it's easy to look for reasons to be angry than to find solutions that may bring joy. Traffic, accidents, faulty vehicles... I assumed that I was destined to live a life raising children in a broken home. I figured I'd always be controlled by the overwhelming grief I carry around. I gave in. I was lost, without a GPS to guide me in the right direction.

But, it wasn't until I was at my lowest point, that I finally realized that I had to take control. I had to choose the future I wanted to be a part of. I finally took the driver seat, ready to start my engine.

I forgave, I let go, and I finally learned to go after what I want. Which is my family, my Husband, my  children, my passions.

Once I stopped blaming others for my shortcoming, and started working towards becoming the best version of myself, everything just fell into place. I was finally behind the wheel of my own life, with a clear map pointing me in the right direction. Look out world, I tend to have a lead foot.

I can't take back the words I have chosen to say, I cannot take back years away from my soul mate, and most importantly, I can't change the fact that I have lost my Daddy. There is no reverse in life, no quick lube that suddenly gives you the ability to start fresh.

I am not done growing, loving and learning the hard way how to make it through life. It's a long windy road, but thankfully, I like the curves.