I am not crazy. Well, not completely... I personally think everyone has a little dash of cray inside. But I think that is just how people gain their own individual personality.
I personally suffer from depression, panic disorder(aka anxiety) and PTSD. I am not ashamed of any of that by the way. It is a part of who I am. But until I was willing to acknowledge my Mental Health issues and SEEK TREATMENT, I never really learned about who I really am and why I do the things I do.
I wish I could write a compelling book that I could share with all the people in my life explaining what a day in the life of Whitney is like. A witty, sometimes offensive, expression of how my brain works or why I am who I am. I guess in a way this blog has fulfilled that wish, but it focuses on just the past 2 1/2 years. So, realistically, this blog is a mere glimpse into 30 years of me.
Unforgettably, I have hurt others during these 2 1/2 years while stuck in a self spiral downward into a very deep depression. I do think about the things I do wrong, more than anyone could every fully understand. I think about how I outed a longtime friend about a personal issue. I think about how I pretty much walked away from someone who provided support to me because I was too hurt and depressed to deal with anything other than my own pain. So I broke ties. But, I do think about how I hurt. Some issues showed me who my true and real friends were, but, I ultimately know that sometimes people aren't destine to be in your life forever. I don't think it is always such a bad thing. I think we learn lessons when we hurt. I have learned some of my greatest and most humbling lessons while at the deepest depths of my life.
I am lucky to have people who have been around long enough that they know ME. Not the depressed grieving Daughter who fights daily to erase the image of my Father with his head blown off. The person who had a huge supportive family around for Holidays and such. There is so much more of ME that I feel has been overlooked and forgotten. I understand that being friends with someone who has experienced a traumatic event is not an easy task. But, I'd like to hope that I'd be there. No matter what. That I would realize that if they weren't their normal self, that it would be because of the intense grief. I would look back at our entire life experience and weigh the goods with the bads and realize they were only acting out because they weren't themselves. That I would do anything to try to always be there. But that has sadly not been my personal experience. I haven't just grieved the loss of my Father. It's been a huge part of my family and a few friends. Each loss has taught me something, and pushed me farther into bettering myself.
I am working on myself daily. Constantly finding ways to be more patient, understanding, and kind. I think that doing good, wishing others well and acting with good intentions is how I find my own personal peace. Knowing that if I put good out into the Universe, it will return. So I try to do random acts of kindness daily, I open doors, let people in when waiting in a long car line. I smile to the person who looks like their day is awful.
Why?? Cause I've been there. When you felt like no one cared. When you felt like the whole world was coming crashing down around you. I know that one smile, one random act of kindness can turn a day around. I SEE it daily. I FEEL it when I do good.
I know that when someone is down and out, especially mentally, they need kindness and help. They need understanding. So why not help? Smile, open doors, be more patient, be kind to strangers, before you know it you too will SEE and FEEL the rewards. That ultimately is the best gift I have ever received. Knowing I brightened a day. That means more than gold any day.
Please if you have someone in your life who is hurting, and depressed, BE THERE! Don't give up on them. Help them seek help. You could save a life. I just happened to save my own.