Monday, June 24, 2013

Far From Perfect

The other day I asked my friends to give me 1 word to describe me. These were the following answers:

Strong
Creative
Genuine
Empathetic
Crafty
Happy
Compassionate
Uplifting
Positive
Thoughtful
Inspiration
Hero
Enduring
Inspiring
Courageous
Determined
Extravert
Unabashed
Kind
Generous
Thoughtful

My reason for asking my Family and Friends to do this was to prove a point.

If I were to make a list of words I felt described me they would be as follows:
Weak
Sick
Ugly
Scarred
Broken
Depressed

The reflection I see in my mirror doesn't match what others in my life see. Though slowly I have worked towards believing in myself. Seeing what others see.

This is a daunting process when there are individuals who are literally hoping for me to fail. When I don't have the support from Family I once had, or my Dad who always saw the very best in me.

As daunting as it may be, the more I look at the reflection the more beauty I discover, the stronger I feel. It's a beautiful thing to experience.

I have and will never pretend to be anything other than me. I don't sugar coat my life, or pretend to be something or someone I am not. Instead I spend each day making my reflection match my heart and soul which are what make up all the beautiful words used to describe myself by those around me.

I am far from perfect, but perfectly flawed. I am able to see past all the BS and drama and focus on the positives. This has always been my strongest asset in life. Perception!

Yet, I am still plagued by night terrors of the sound of myself screaming "Noooo! Oh please nooo! Daddy nooo!" While standing over his body with no face and blood everywhere. I wake up covered in sweat and can't shake the image all day long.

I wish I could say that I am perfect,  free of faults and bad memories and GRIEF. But that would be a lie. It is a part of me. Far from perfect.

Saturday, June 22, 2013

The Company We Keep

When you grow up, you start to learn valuable lessons regarding trust and the company you keep.

If you surround yourself with bitter, selfish, negative people, you will soon feed off of their energy, and it will bring you down.

If you choose to only surround yourself with others who raise you up and keep you on the right spiritual path, you will feed off of the positivity and find yourself becoming a better you.

This can be difficult among women whom are naturally competitive and well....hormonal. I see it every day, women feeling the need to buy a bigger better something to feel superior, or flaunt a title, or brag about what school their child attends, or how much they just spent on this and that. It's sad. But true. Who really cares?

Why not lift each other up? Lend a hand with no expectations.  Help your fellow sista out! There is no competition. No race to win or golden statue to display proudly on your mantel.

I have made the choice to surround myself with only people whom share this sisterly connection.  Friends who give without anticipating something in return. Friend's who value their families and husbands but don't compare or compete. Most importantly,  friends who don't talk about me or blab to everyone who will listen about their "friends" personal secrets. These are the people that need to stop assuming their always right, look in the mirror and see the ugliness they are spreading.

I think it comes with maturity, and with life experience. But, I am certain that the company I choose to keep now is those who share my non-competitive, drama free ideology.

 I am in competition with no one, I run my own race, I have no desire to play the game of being better than anyone, in any way, shape, or form. I just aim to improve, to be better than I was before. That's me and I'm free. 

Be free with me won't you :) Help instead of hurt, love instead of hate, peace instead of war. It's your choice.

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Gussy


Since the day my son, my first born child, Landen Douglas (we call him Gus, or Gussy) was born (6/25/2005 at 9lbs 8oz after 36hrs of labor and hours upon hours of pushing), until he was 15 months old, I was with him every single day. 24-7. I lost sleep, I cried and felt helpless because he got ear infections every 6 weeks from the day he was born until he was 18 month old and got his first set of ear tubes. He also suffered from Reflux. But, to his charm, he was the happiest baby. He woke with a huge smile on face each morning. We shared such a special relationship and the 15 months I spent home with him were hard, but worth every issue we faced. When I started working in Preschool, he came with me to work. So even while working, I had the great blessing of seeing him often and still comforting him when needed. Every single Teacher he had fell in love with him. They still check in on him via Facebook to this day. 

But, he is NOT perfect. No one is. Me especially. He has had to endure a lot in his small time on this Earth, and it's unfortunate that it has affected him greatly. He has a sensory issue with water. This has made getting him to swim on his own very difficult. If his shirt gets wet, or he steps in a DROP of water from one of our 3 dogs after getting a drink, he will proceed to hop on one foot until he has made it to a rug to wipe his foot off. But, he takes showers independently. He is particular about his socks and shoes. They have to be on right and fit right in order for him to wear them without constantly complaining about how something isn't right. I think it's more about control. OCD ish. You're welcome son. That one is from your Mama. 

Most important, he is sensitive. For example, while playing with a friend for a few hours, the friend exclaimed "I'm not gonna be your friend anymore" in response to him not wanting to play. His response to this common phrase used among children, him in a puddle of tears somewhere hiding. This is a work in progress, as we try to explain to him that sometimes he needs to just let things go. So I brought up a story of when he was about 4 or 5 he used to say "You're not going to my Birthday Party!" whenever upset with his Sister or, well anyone. Haha. He laughed and thought it was funny. But, it used to make his Sister cry. Point made. High five to self. But, in reality, he is still sensitive, and this is going to be an ongoing issue. 

He isn't void of inner strength, he did SO WELL during this past Spring soccer season and started really getting aggressive and taking initiative to go after the ball that by the end of the season, he looked as well versed in soccer as some of the other boys who had been playing for years. 

He also, isn't a wuss. He can handle pain! At a practice, he was goalie as each player got to boot a shot into the goal. Well, one little boy (with a CANNON for a foot) booted a ball straight into his face. Hit him straight between the eyes and the bridge of his nose. EVERY SINGLE parent and the Coach and Assistant Coach ran towards him. He held his hands over his eyes that were welling up with tears, took a breath and took his goal stance. No ice, no need to sit down and recover. He was ready for the next ball. This single act was proof enough to me and anyone there that my son has some serious inner strength. It brings me to tears just thinking of how proud I was, and am. 

But, sadly, his struggles after my Father's suicide left him in a struggle to communicate his grief and anger. So he acted out. In school, at home, everywhere. He struggled, and we sought him treatment with a Psychologist who eventually got him back on track. 

He is getting ready for second grade and is reading and a 5th grade level and tested really high for Math, Reading and Phonics. He is still on track to skip 3rd grade and we are still in no rush :) If he wakes up before my Husband or I, he will make himself breakfast, get dressed for school, pack his lunch and be all ready to go before it's even 6am! Haha. He keeps his room clean, helps his Sister clean hers and is always asking to help me to housework. 

While his Sister attends Summer Theatre Camp with her bestie for the next 3 weeks, I get the chance to be alone with him for 3 hours a day. I am SO EXCITED! I have a million things planed.

He is almost 8, and I just cannot believe what a beautiful human being he has become. Both inside and out! 
He is flawed, as am I, and every other human being. But, flaws aside he is caring, and loving, and helpful and smart and funny and the best little man I could have ever have hoped for! 

Taken 6/8/2013 

At our Marriage Renewal/Do Over...lol
9/30/2012


Just a few of my favorites of him:











Thursday, June 6, 2013

What do YOU value?

If you were stranded alone on a deserted island with no hope of ever returning home, what things of value would you bring if only given...let say 10.

First, you have to evaluate what you consider of value.

Growing up in a society that brainwashes us into thinking we need certain things in order to live our lives. When in reality, we only need food, water and shelter to survive.

We only need the love and support of a few to thrive. Yet somehow we search for more. We buy more. We "need" more!

A large majority of our society is living in houses owned by banks, driving vehicles that again, are owned by banks. Buying stuff with credit cards instead of cash. Living a life of paying for things you don't technically own yet.

I was one of these people, I put value upon things that we didn't actually own or need. We drove fancy new cars, spent money frivolously. Paying for items with credit only to have realized I didn't actually need the item. It's a vicious cycle of want, want, want.

In reality, the things that hold the most value are with us already. Our loved ones. Our memories. Our individuality. Our sense of humor. Ourselves!

We as a society have begun to look elsewhere for value. When it's within us.

It's the ability to live without expectations. Knowing that it is better to give than receive. That helping out is better than doing nothing. The knowledge of being kind to everyone regardless of their own beliefs or whom they love, or what Political Party they might affiliate with.

The second we lose what I personally think is our most precious thing of value, we are doomed.

Our humanity.

Our ability to love beyond any monetary measure. Our want to help out those that need it, no questions asked. Our want to better the lives of those around us. Our humanity!

As wars rage on, as maniacs with guns are making head lines all too often, as kids (as young as 8) are taking their own lives, as whole countries starve, as Political agendas outweigh our need for clean air; safe food; and natural alternatives to pharmaceuticals, we as a society are losing our humanity.

When did we stop caring?

I think that 1 person is capable of changing the world. Einstein, Lincoln, MLK, Rosa Parks, Ghandi. Ring any bells?

But imagine if others join in, trying to restore our most valuable of valuables.

Be the change you wish to see in the world!

Help your neighbor, be kind to strangers, give without expectations, love with every ounce of your being, raise children with the same principles and soon things will begin to change.

If you don't see that, you may have lost your humanity.  1 drop of water might not be much, but over time it can fill an ocean.