Monday, June 24, 2013

Far From Perfect

The other day I asked my friends to give me 1 word to describe me. These were the following answers:

Strong
Creative
Genuine
Empathetic
Crafty
Happy
Compassionate
Uplifting
Positive
Thoughtful
Inspiration
Hero
Enduring
Inspiring
Courageous
Determined
Extravert
Unabashed
Kind
Generous
Thoughtful

My reason for asking my Family and Friends to do this was to prove a point.

If I were to make a list of words I felt described me they would be as follows:
Weak
Sick
Ugly
Scarred
Broken
Depressed

The reflection I see in my mirror doesn't match what others in my life see. Though slowly I have worked towards believing in myself. Seeing what others see.

This is a daunting process when there are individuals who are literally hoping for me to fail. When I don't have the support from Family I once had, or my Dad who always saw the very best in me.

As daunting as it may be, the more I look at the reflection the more beauty I discover, the stronger I feel. It's a beautiful thing to experience.

I have and will never pretend to be anything other than me. I don't sugar coat my life, or pretend to be something or someone I am not. Instead I spend each day making my reflection match my heart and soul which are what make up all the beautiful words used to describe myself by those around me.

I am far from perfect, but perfectly flawed. I am able to see past all the BS and drama and focus on the positives. This has always been my strongest asset in life. Perception!

Yet, I am still plagued by night terrors of the sound of myself screaming "Noooo! Oh please nooo! Daddy nooo!" While standing over his body with no face and blood everywhere. I wake up covered in sweat and can't shake the image all day long.

I wish I could say that I am perfect,  free of faults and bad memories and GRIEF. But that would be a lie. It is a part of me. Far from perfect.

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