Learning why you have done something heinous is never easy. It's a daunting task, but a necessity. Why did I do it? Why didn't I do something else?
Let it go! It's in the past and cannot be replayed redone or erased. Let go of past pain too! It's like anger, holding that burning coal until your hand is burnt to a crisp. The other person may walk around blameless, but you can't change that. That is something they must deal with internally.
Did you know life doesn't stop when your Daddy blows his head off? People pause, grieve with you temporarily and either get sick of the grief or actually stick around and show you who is true and meant to be in your life. If someone cannot show compassion and understanding for a grieving, abandoned, angry person who just lost her Father, you my dear have lost humanity and compassion. But again, that person will have someone telling them they're right and they will continue to feel faultless. It is again something you should let go. Not worth it!
You must get up and start again. Use every ounce of strength in your small body and pull yourself from the depths of darkness to see that there is so much more good than bad. More light than darkness, more positive than negative. A new business, building a new home, starting a pay it forward group. You must allow your wings to develop and fly away free from anger and grief.
I learned in my loony bin stay that I am the only person in control of me. I cannot blame others for how I feel inside. I have work to do, I am far from perfect, but Lord knows I am trying!
"No matter how bad the situation, a good can and will come out of it!"