Last night, like many nights before, I had a severely realistic nightmare. When they happen, they are as real as real life. I can smell, taste, touch, hear and see everything. It's like I am transported back to the moment I found him. Or just before. This time it was me seeing everything leading up to the moment he put the barrel of the shotgun in his mouth. The rest is pretty obvious, and I'll spare you the gory details.
I saw him crying, like a baby, shaking, hands trembling around the barrel. Eyes full of tears and him softly talking to himself. He was so sad. So so very sad.
I've had nightmares of him talking to me with half a face, seen myself standing over his body, had visions of nothing but blood covered fences and walls. You name it, I've had a nightmare regarding that day. But this one was different. It was as if I was being shown how deeply hurting he really was. Cause my Daddy wasn't one to cry. Unless it was after a performance, or after a nice hand written card. He was a happy crier. Not a sad one.
But this was sad, this was snot coming out the nose, whaling and crying like a child. He was reluctant. Putting the barrel in his mouth and then removing in to cry and even gagged a few times. Like I said, real. REALLY REAL. Then he finally stopped crying shook his head and with trembling hands placed the barrel back in his mouth, leaned back in the kiddie pool, slipped off his shoe and put his big toe on the trigger and then BANG.
My Daddy in pieces. Blood covering me all over, it was warm and sticky. It was about a graphic as any horror movie I've ever seen. Plus the realness of it all it what shook me the most.
I just witnessed the whole thing. Start to finish instead of just the finish.
I awoke at 4am drenched in sweat, and was crying and trembling so bad I couldn't stand up. It took me over 10 minutes to compose myself enough to stand up and get dressed. It's 9:23am and I swear it's like it just happened. I'm shaky, fighting back tears and quite messed up over a nightmare that happened hours ago.
My PTSD is my major focus with my Psychiatrist right now, and this is why. The nightmares are becoming more frequent again. My anxiety has subsided and is at a very manageable state (well not today) and my depression is only being treated as a bi-product of my PTSD. That I am not actually a depressed person, just a person suffering with depressive issue as the result of the trauma I endured.
I am listening to music, I tried to meditate, and will probably go take the dog for a walk. All things I try to calm my anxiety and refocus my energy onto something else. Hence this blog. I needed to get it out. What I saw last night shook me, hard. Hours later and I feel like it just happened.
While this may be a setback, life in general is good. Really good actually. We are putting our home on the market in 2 weeks and hope to build a new home close to the kids school in the next few months. Exciting things are happening in the Aymar house. Todd is still loving his job and is still planning to be a Director by the end of next year. I know he'll do it too, he is a total rockstar at work. Whit Did It is doing well, and I hope to get back into Photography in the next few months as well. Nora was just given an award at school for her excellent academic and behavioral performance in the 1st quarter. Landen is reading adult books and really into science, he also just finished another season on Soccer where he was named Best Defender. We couldn't be any prouder.
I look forward to the next few Months of Holidays, and hopefully selling our house and building a new one! I also hope that as I continue on my journey of grieving that I finally get rid of these nightmares. Cause I can tell you, I am done with them.
Peace and Love,