Thursday marks the final month of the 2 year month anniversaries. 35 months since the day my Daddy decided to take his own life.
I have decided to celebrate the 3 year Anniversary this year. With a movie, or something fun or volunteering that day. Something that brings me joy, cause that is what he would want. A day filled with happy thoughts and memories. Even after the horror, the only thing I can think he would want is for me to be happy. So I am going to honor that and do my damnedest. (Said while tears flow down my cheek)
If I've learned anything from my therapy, my loony bin stay (insert dance party here), or my 35 months of experience grieving the loss of a loved one to suicide...it's that I am the ONLY person who can control my life. I alone control my thoughts, which control my actions which control my outcome in life. If I wanna live a fulfilling life, I have to fill it with things that bring me joy.
Starting Thursday, I will be volunteering at my kids school on a regular almost everyday basis. I will be helping my sons class on Friday which he cannot stop talking about. They both are eager to see my face on campus. If they only knew it is I who is bursting with anticipation. I've waited for so long to be well enough to be able to give back at their school.
I wish I could sit them down and really explain to them why I haven't been able to do it sooner, but they wouldn't understand the level of grief and depression I have endured. I have spent hours crying, days and weeks wishing I had a different life. Void of the dark demons that lurked around every corner. I had no idea the kind of pain I could feel emotionally. No one can quite understand the grief that comes with trauma.
The things I saw that day, the aftermath of his death, it is only something fellow Suicide Survivors can understand. Even Soldiers, or Police Officers/First Responders, as bad as their images of gore and death. They all don't see the most important man in their life blown to pieces. They don't live in the house where it happened for 3 months after, (14 of those days with the remains of a shotgun wound to the head outside your bedroom window) I am not saying I'm special, or that I have a loss greater than others, I am simply saying that the way my personal loss affected me is different, just as someone losing their parent to Cancer. I can't even imagine. The years of pain and suffering some people have to endure. All loses are different, mine just happens to involve a very messy suicide.
My life 35 months later is still filled with grief and depression. I am just better at dealing with it. It hasn't left me, the images of him laying there, they aren't just gone. They are seconds away from being in my head at any given moment. Watching horror or violent movies almost makes me laugh. It's so fake and not at all like the real thing. But, the sudden loud BANG of something in the neighborhood sends me into a state of pure panic. The sound of a song that we used to sing together brings me to my knees. 35 months later and it's still a battle I fight daily.
But, through all of that, I still have joy, hope, love, happiness and a longing to help others and give back. I have 2 really great children that fill my life with so much joy, a Husband who is my ROCK and best friend. Friends that would fly to come see you at the drop of a hat, and others that show me daily why I am proud of the person I have become. I have a home that is decorated to the 9's and filled with so much love, and creative hobbies and outlets that allow me to enjoy creating things. I really am blessed.
So after 35 months of hell, I can say that I am happy with my life and the direction it is headed. I've made it through hell and back, nothing can stop me now!
Happy Holidays to each of you!!
Peace and Love