Wednesday, January 29, 2014

3 years different

3 years and 10 days have passed since the day my Father took his own life.

It has been the most challenging time of my life, without any doubt.

It has forever changed me, I am now a different version of myself. A grief stricken 31 year old Mother who carries a heavy load daily still.

Life for others has gone on without a missed step. January 19th is just another day, and Wednesday's are just Wednesday's, instead of the day he chose to terminate his existence on this Earth.

During these three years I have said goodbye to a lot of people I once loved. Some on my terms, others not... But I have finally learned that it is better to be surrounded by a small army of loved ones. Family and friends I know will stand beside me endlessly. It is them who inspire me to keep going and to keep focused on the positive and who allow me to feel less pain each day that passes.

My focus these days is on my family, I can honestly say there is zero drama in my life. Zero! It's refreshing and eye opening for sure. How easily I got sucked into negative things that had nothing to do with me or my family, yet I was wrapped up in so much drama. Always trying to save someone, or be there for the person that no one else was. Yet it got me no where and the one with all the blame. Fool me once, twice...not anymore. No thank you very much!

I can't fix other people, I can't fix stupid, and I can't fix crazy. So if it doesn't involve me, I stay the hell out of it. I have enough in my own life to focus on that doesn't allow for the insanity that lie outside my own personal group of loved ones.

So going forward I will continue to be myself and grieve and live in my own terms. Cause it isn't up to anyone else, I am in charge and have made it through the deepest depths of depression and grief and don't need anyone to help me. Well other than my loved ones of course!

I wish I could say that 3 years have passed and I am cured. Free of despair and agony. But that would be fluff and I don't do fluff. I do real. I am a survivor and proud of it! I am different. I have changed. But I have grown, learning most lessons the hard way. Some of them even several times. But I am who I am today because of the good and bad things. Life isn't easy, you have to work hard to make your dreams come true and you have to believe in yourself. I am on this Earth for a purpose. I matter, and so do you!

Peace and Love