I usually have a theme when writing, but this time I'm winging it...
While growing up, no one prepared me to deal with the aftermath of finding my Father after he shot himself. There was no handbook to help me through the difficult times. No class I could take, or book I could read that would prepare me for everything I have endured these past 3 years. Instead it's been a day by day, minute by minute experience.
Some days being great and full of wonderful things and other days filled with tears and agonizing grief. It's the part about losing my Father by suicide that I was never prepared for. Days where I feel paralyzed by the undying sadness I feel. Days where all I want to do is lay in bed and sleep away the hurt.
I was not prepared for this to last so long. 3 years down and you'd think I'd have the hang of it by now. Nope, not even close. I am still surprised at the level of grief I still carry with me daily. It's like a dark cloud following you constantly while you are desperately trying to feel the sunshine that is shining bright right in front of you.
While I may carry a cloud with me, I also always bring my sunglasses in preparation for a bright sunny day. I am always ready for the sun! The sunshine is my children, my Husband, my family and friends. Our animals. The belly laugh coming from my Daughter as I tickle her while she's cuddled with me, the smile on my sons face when I pick him up from school each day. The love notes left behind by my Husband. The phone calls with my Mom. The texts, phone calls and time spent with friends. These are the things that brighten each day. No matter how big the cloud.
I have learned that I must keep trying to focus on the positive, not let a bad day get me down, and that I can make it through anything. There is life after loss, but it comes at a price.
If you have thoughts of suicide, harming yourself in anyway or have feelings of being alone and unwanted...please take a moment to step back and realize the aftermath you'd be leaving behind. It's brutal and something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. YOU ARE IMPORTANT, YOU ARE LOVED and YOU MATTER! The bad day will pass, and soon you too will need your shades!